This is critical, I'm feeling helpless, So hysterical, and this can't be healthy, I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me, You're the air I breathe, This is critical, So stuck on you. Nick J, Critical.
p.s. I dread when it's time for me to back off and walk away.
The 1st time ever I had to swallow my own words. Digest my own spits. It's like I'm spitting my words into the air and guess what, it falls back to me, right in the middle of the face. However, I believe what is happening between us is more than just that.And yes you, I'm not certain of the future. I know your situation is getting worst every single day but please let me be by your side. Let me carry some of your unbearable burdens. You know I'm always here, I'm here for you. Always is and always will.
The last thing I want to have or experience right now is having my heart broken once again.
I have not the slightest idea of why love and me have a very very bad rapport. We don't really mix and blend together. It's like we both are the two magnetic fields that can never ever be in range of close proximity. Or like cats and dogs in which you can't put them in the same room, they'll murder each other.
So when I thought I was really strong enough and very composed when dealing with this essential matter, my prediction falls flat. I faltered to temptations. Temptations that I know will provide me with another heartache. I think if someone can die of a heartache, I'll be long gone.
This heart, or what's left of this so called heart is in jeopardy again. It has dawned on me that all my hard work of putting and glue-ing back the bits and pieces of my heart is apparently futile because I know the conspicuous consequences in this game I accidentally participated.
Rest assured when I say it's deadly, it really is.
p.s. Been wondering why on earth did the westerners or whoever created Cupid illustrated him to be a boy. A freaking boy who, I'm pretty certain that looking at the his depiction possesses the maturity of a boy, is given arrows to shoot people to be in love. He's a boy, he can simply miss his aims!
I have built a strong and firm relationship with my dark side.
The evil me is whispering his sweet engaging promises that are very very inviting.
I have an eccentric wish-list.
Things that I want to achieve in my life.
These things are not just the uplifting, riveting and motivating wishes that I want to accomplish,
but the list also consists of audacious and unpredictable things that I want to do or try.
fear of the satisfactory feeling I dwell in after I have crossed some of the list.
It tasted ferociously good and like I mentioned earlier, very very very inviting and undeniably alluring.
I used to be a bad boy during my darkest era but right now, what I'm having is way darker than my darkest era.
Yes you heard me (I always pretend I'm talking to someone whenever I penned my entry, hence the word heard)
I'm trying to simplify my life. Simplify my emotions and feelings. Simplify my thoughts and perceptions. Simplify everything.
I'm leading a simple life.I, if possible, will try to avoid the word complicated.As complicated as it sounds, it gives a negative connotation, a dark vibe and ambiance to me. The finest and legit illustration of the word would be me trying to disassemble a bomb or a tight knot even then strongest person on earth will fail and falter.It's that bad.
I'm delusional and posses an immerse capacity to imagining things, absurd and somewhat crass, out of ordinary things.My mind, this medula oblongata I have buried in my head works in a mysterious ways. I tried to decode and decipher its structure and blue print once but it was futile, it has always in vain.
For that reason, I'll try to follow my guts more. This doesn't make sense does it? But What the heck, I just need to write something.
As of speaking or writing, whichever you prefer, I have this thing lingering my mind. A scenario, a scene, a play that I think will fascinate certain people. But the thing is, I am no story teller. In any conversation, you'll notice I'm eating my words. Fumbling and mumbling, even in a simple conversation or inquiry of "Can I have a glass of orange juice" will sound like this "Can I *somethingJuicesomething* please? Fair enough, speech impairment is something you want to mess with or mess around.
Speaking of leading a simple life, I sometime feel that I have the urge to be unpredictable. Even I myself can even predict what I will do or trying to do. How cool is that? This is similar to not using my mysterious mind. Like I said, I follow my guts. Now this make sense isn't it?
I think people are all hypocrites. Yes they are. Well you may disagree but this is just a personal opinion. 'Personal' to me reads = If you disagree, I don't bother to pay any heed. So yes, we are all hypocrites, we hide our true face behind those fancy facades we put on for different people.
I'm in the midst of soul searching. You know what soul searching is, I don't have to elaborate. If you don't, go figure.
I'm giving up on certain someone. Why? well because I'm freaking tired and worn out by all those superfluous things that keep on invading me. Why bother fighting over someone whom don't give a shit about you? Guess what, with or without you, I'll live anyway. I may sound bitter but my dear bitter is the new taste of sugar, again that's my personal opinion.
I like doing random stuffs because I despise routines. I've been berserk-ly random these past few days and I intend to keep and stay random for a long time. Thus, if you see me hanging upside down in some spider web at Taman Tasik, kindly ignore me, unless I scream for help.
I've been learning the SUJU's Bonamana dance which I'm thinking to record. Can't wait to watch how silly I'll be. Word of advice, be silly sometimes, you'll place the world in an equilibrium.
So this has been a long post. And kinda a crappy one too. Talk about being simple eh? Haha
But this is random, so yeah whatever.
P.s. Laptop is broken.I don't know what to do.
P.s.s. Have I mentioned I did a commercial for a TV series that's going to be shown in Malaysia entitled The Walking Dead? No? So here you go, remember to tune in to Astro next week for the commercial, I played a Zombie. Still stoked!
Love is the feeling when you care about someone and when you are willing to do anything to make him/her happy. Love is when you experience the uneasiness, like a family of butterflies keeps hovering in your tummy and you are adamant that when you poop, butterflies will fly gleefully from your arse. Love is when your knees suddenly fail to function properly whenever your love one emerges out of the blue. Love is when you touch your lover’s hands, you feel electrocuted. Love is when you make faces because he/she ignores you, even for a minute. Love is when you feel your other half’s presence just by shutting your eyes to sleep. Love is a feeling of admiration, a sense of togetherness, a craving to be belonged to somebody. Love is when you’d be smitten even by the littlest act done by your lover. Love is when you want to protect your love one from any danger. Love is the gallant feeling when you look at your lover’s face and how his/her smile just made your day. Love is when you are willing to stay up late at night just to make sure he/she is online. Love is the feeling of uncertainty of yourself, whether you are good or perfect enough for your other half. Love is seeing the imperfections of your lover and thought he/she couldn’t be any perfect. Love is when you see your lover’s message and you smile sheepishly to yourself. Love is when you want to impress your love one and you feel upset because you didn’t meet his/her expectation. Love is when you’re willing to be hurt rather than seeing your love one being hurt. Love is when you look at the sky and all you smile and you don’t have any idea why. Love is just love and the list goes on and on.
On the other hand,
What is lust?
lust is just solely sex. You want to pounce on your partner aggressively you enjoy every bits of him/her whining and asking for more. Lust is when you meet someone and you’ll end up waking up on his/her bed the morning after. Lust is when your smile because your partner send you message saying I miss your cock or your pussy. Lust is just lust.
Sexual intercourse is just a bonus, a supplement, a spice in the relationship you’re having with your other half.
Remember when someone says he/she loves you, it doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you, It can mean otherwise but that would happen in some rare occasions but I bet currently speaking, it’s not considered being ‘rare’ anymore.
Losing virginity and proving that you have lost your purity is a trending topic nowadays, people are proud to be one.
And when you are having sex with someone, it doesn’t mean he/or she loves you. They do, they just love the taste of your penis or your vagina or your arse.
Life's been tremendously great for the past few weeks. Been travelling a lot and enjoying myself to the limit.
The first trip was Bagan Lalang and Sepang Gold Coast Golden Palm Trees . We went there solely for one mission. To fly kites and it was accomplished. Our kite (share it with Moja) was flying high with its gay-ish look. Seriously the colours are really upholding and promoting gay pride.
Yes, it's THIS gay.
The second destination was Broga Hills. It was phenomenal. The hike to reach the 1st peak was about 1 hour.That was the 1st stop, don't get me started on the journey coming from Shah Alam. We started the trip at ungodly wee hour in the morning. The hike was inexplicably adventurous. The route to reach the 1st steep was so goddamn steep one of my friends had to halt and rest there because he was afraid of the height, also due to him wearing his Crocs which was very slippery. Put that misery aside, the vistas were breath-taking. The breeze was very chilly too you want to lay down on the lanky grass regardless of them being grass, which of course itchy! DUH. We did proceed to the 2nd peak but halted because my friends were exhausted. I was jumping and running in gusto like a dog, eh no no, more like a cute child. Here are some of the pictures,
The 3rd trip was Tiara Beach Resort, Port Dickson. Some of my 'teachers' friends invited me to tag along.I saw opportunity of meeting my little vixen and yes I agreed, just to be enlightened that my little vixen wasn't joining.It was a bummer, a real huge bummer yet I comforted myself that I'll be having the grandest fun there. It turned out to be a really enjoyable one. We laughed until our tummy hurts and I got the chance to find some solace at the resort. Went to PD and built a huge sand castle, no scratch that, it's an enormous sand mansion. After that, we sang our lung out by the beach, it was aesthetic.The guys were crazy, yelling and singing tune-less songs. At the resort, we sat by the pool and enjoying the picturesque view of the crystal-clear but full-of-chlorine water. I slept on the couch under the shady coconut tree by the pool and pretended I was somewhere over the seas.It was a gallant moment.
Oh next stop is Paramore bebeh! I'm still indecisive about colouring my hair red. Maybe I'll opt for a softer colour. Will post the pictures later.
p.s. Good times are when you're with family and friends doing things that you like
Which one would you prefer? The States or The Kingdom? I really want to pursue my Master abroad Am thinking to enrol in two or more Masters. I just need to escape, Far away, Finding my own new solace, or a sojourn.
-you like my mother when talk and talking. -young man teach me in first time and until now you was old. Hahahaha! -you likes a model and 'bergaya' -when you talk, i was imagine...i want to talk like you..hi3 Thank you Sir sbb sudi mengajar kami...
First impression i look at you..you so snobbish for the first time..but after that..you look so different..you so humble..it can make me mostly to study..i like your personality.Actually, it's give me to change my personality..even you give me many homework..HEHEHE..wherever, you can change myself to be a smart and clever person..TQ
p.s.s. I saw this boy transformed from a very reserved, quite and shy soul during the first class to an outspoken person by the time I finished my practicum.
1) 1st impression towards you -> u look like poyo ->when u teach, u spoken so quickly until I can't understand. ->But u are the best teacher ->1st time I looked at you, you are 'berlagak' and I feel like to kill u. ->u like to mock ->But everything I say was wrong. * u are chicky person * Happening * Sporting * Cuties ->our realtionship not like student and teacher but we like a brother ->i happy to know u.
Sir, 1st time I saw you, I think you were serious, arrogant, cruel, bad and many things that I don't know how to interprate it. But after I know you, actually you are good, kind hearted, caring, understanding, loving and you are like my brother. Forgive me Sir if I was done many mistakes.I will remember u and miss your teache..you are the best ticher!
Yes, another weird peculiar thing about me is I like to do most of the things I frequently do in dark, alone. Things here refers to ironing the shirt, sahur, making myself a cup of hot Milo, doing the dishes and etc...oh even typing this entry. I haven't the slightest inkling where do I get this odd gene. Obviously not from the parents and the siblings. They like lights, like major lights! Now that's a tongue twister. Perhaps I'm a mysterious type of guy who enjoys being in the dark. The serenity, the tranquility, the mystery in which you just can listen to the blade of hanging fan hovering in mid air, the howling of the wind, the sound of these fingers dancing awkwardly on the keyboard and so on. The ambiance is mysterious and I pretty much am liking that. If I can even read in the dark, I will. It's just that it would be the most impossible thing to do.
p.s. I have two friends cum housemates who sleep in the living room, so it's not that creepy after all
Time sure flies fast. We have approximately 2 more weeks before we wrap up our practicum. I'm in a midst of having a mix feeling. As much as I want it to finish, I just can't bear losing my little imps, the students, if you don't get what I meant.
I have vowed before not to get attached with them, either physically or emotionally, but I failed. I have enjoyed having them around. They're like my brothers and sisters. Some of my form 4 students too are slowly getting out of their shell, or comfort zone, or whatever you may call it.
The thought of parting with the students sends shiver down my spine. I loath leaving someones who have been a part of me. These students are indeed a part of me now because they are my 1st and maybe my last students. I'm not going to be a teacher in the future, I have made my decision. It's just not my uber forte. Hence the nostalgic ambience that lingers around whenever I gaze upon the final week of the practicum.
Thus, I'm just going to treasure rest of the available time I'm with them.
This was taken during our buka puasa. They are some of my Form 6 students
p.s. I'm leaving on a jet plane, errr not really but what the heck I'm leaving soon!
When I first started my practicum, I was up heaved with determination, strong will, extra enthusiasm, you can see a shining halo on top of the head and my eyes glaring with angel light it will burn your eyes if they practically meet mine.
However, the expectation crashed me deep down four feet below. All those fancy feelings faded unexpectedly, as if the strong wind at the school blew them away. I have loved my students without any single doubt but their attitudes towards the language is what weighing me down.
They take English very nonchalantly, oblivious toward the importance of the language for their future. To make matters worst, I can't use full English as the medium of instruction, it's as if I'm speaking literally to the four walls and I bet the students will take me as an alien, speaking unintelligible alien language.
Nonetheless, it's entering the 9th weeks and I must say, all the struggles of devising interesting lesson plans for them really paid off, to say the least. Some of my students are starting to show interests in the language. Some of them will constantly come to me and ask how to improve their English. To me, that's an achievement of a lifetime.
Changing the students' way of looking at English is not a piece of cake, nor it is as simple as eating it. Hence, when your students come looking for you and secretly ask for your assistance, that's by far memorable.It means something, it HAS to mean something. Thus, for the left of the times I have with them, I'll treasure and make full use of the time. I want them to be inspired of starting to look at the language at a very different perspective. If they view English all this while using a binocular, I want to provide them with a kaleidoscope, so that they know, the language has many forms and shapes that are very interesting and gallantly enjoyable.
p.s.Stand Up class! Good Morning Sir Arshad..handsome! I love it when you do that :)
To a certain extent I feel like my chest is about to explode,
It is due to that NST Press Training.
I don't want to elaborate more on that, it's like putting salt on the wound or having a knife being stabbed numerously at your chest, hyperbole, I know.
You see, up to this moment, I haven't have the slightest clue of what I'll become in the future. It's a very dark sky I foresee looming ahead. I'm indecisive about what I'm going to work or do when I have successfully graduated, which is within a year.
However, one thing for certain that I really want to do is involved in the journalism industry, that's like a childhood dream.
I know my writing is nothing near magnificent, mind-blowing or jaw dropping but I believe I have something special to offer, I write with my heart. Cliche as it is but that's the truth.
Hence, when I was enlightened of the news, I felt terrible as someone hadn't informed me earlier. Perhaps I could do something, I WOULD do anything to have that privilege.
I don't want to talk about our faculty's way of selecting the candidates but for heaven sake, I strongly and firmly believe that the opportunity should be, at least, prioritized to those who are graduating.
I'm way beyond disappointed, it's like watching your dream been crushed without no remorse in front of your very own eyes.
Alas , what have I penned here will do me no good.
I can't wait to have a steady job, to be an established person with a lucrative amount of wages and own a house. So that I can cater my adopted child with rains of loves, affection, amor and everything I could offer to him/her. My paternal side is excessively overwhelming me. I have loads of love in this tiny heart of mine that I want to shower my child with tonnes of love.
Sometimes I think, no matter how many times you reflect yourselves, no matter how many times you say you'll change for the better, no matter how many times you try to convince people that you'll not do the same mistake twice, They are all just words, mere words. Either written or spoken.
an opinion or judgment formed without due examination; prejudgment; a leaning toward one side of a question belonging to it; an unreasonable predilection for, or objection against, anything; especially, an opinion or leaning adverse to anything, without just grounds, or before sufficient knowledge from other considerations than those
Well what do you know, it's been 5 weeks of practicum. I think time sure flies fast. I recall it's like yesterday I first stepped my feet in the school's compound, losing my direction and navigating myself around the boisterous and mischievous students. I'm kinda enjoying myself to bits, even for a fact that I lose my temper during my first day.
The students are all little imps you know, not my students of course. They're a bunch of attention-seeker, in a good way. I mean the rest of the school's inhabitants. Especially the Form 3 and 4. Can't really blame them, blame the extra adrenaline pumping in their veins. I know, because I was exactly like them during my high school years. That's why however and whatever mischief, mishaps things they do or did on me, I try not to falter or lose my temper. I just want to get along with them. Contemplating at the students' behaviour, I see myself in them. Torturing practicum teachers, especially female ones. I still remember this one practicum teacher in my school, female and she taught Pendidikan Islam if I'm not mistaken. She was very petite and cute, fair skin and liked to wear black jubah to school. I think she's my first teacher's crush. Haha hey I have a thing for women in jubah ok, fetish kinda thing.
Well, I remember vividly how I always teased her in class, torturing every single period of hers. Whenever she asked questions, I'd provide her with the silliest and darndest answers. She once asked a question whether we would like to send our parents to the old-folks house because we were learning something about taking care of our parents. I was the loudest one who said Yes I would!! She was taken abacked by my answer and came to me with a flabbergasted face, asking the question again. I retaliated by justifying that at old-folks home, my parents would be taken care of, fed up with delicious meals and always have someone that would attend them. Of course I was kidding, don't judge me. I was in Form 3 and that was for the sake of making the teacher's life hard. She went of with a sad forlorn face, maybe kinda saddened that she thought she had failed in doing her job. I remembered the sad, forlorn, teary eyes she put on. It complimented her black jubah. She just halted the lesson, sat back at her table. I felt terrible and adding my blame was the rest of my classmates cursing on me for making Ustazah felt bad. I just went overboard. From that moment onwards, I tried making her life easier. I muted until the end of her teaching practicum. During her last day in school, she asked us to write her some small notes of our thoughts of her. This was my time to redeem myself. While every one penned the typically cliched comments, I wrote her an apology note. I can't recall the note but I know for sure I apologized to her though my note.
That was one of my malicious doings to my practicum teachers. I was such a prick wasn't I?
So this is one main reason why I try to get along with my students because little do they know that I walked in their shoes long before they walk in theirs. I strive to make them inspired, to uplift their life because most of them come from troubled background. Whenever some parents visit the school to meet the class teacher regarding their children, I can't help but feel sad. Looking at their soul-less eyes, it brings tiny tears. I know I'm easily touched, but there's something in the parents eyes that make you wanna shed your tears. The awkwardness they have in their eyes, the yearn for assistance, the craving to see their children succeed, it pains me to see that I can't do anything about that. That's why I'm striving hard to bring them on the mountain, because it's not the peak of the mountain that matters, the climb is the supreme experience. I'm taking extra periods for my Form 6 classes without the acknowledge of the top administration, they just gave me 4 periods of class but I'm taking another 2 period because the teacher who's teaching them has granted me with it but what's more important is, my students came and asked for my assistance. I just couldn't sit comfortably at my table, knowing that the students are trying to repair their life. I want to replenish their life together.
Ok I should go and start planning my lesson for tomorrow, it's my 2nd observation.
It's one of those nights which you feel so hopeless. When you contemplate on all the things that you've done. When you realize how suck and a sore loser you are. When you feel like ripping out your heart and left the chest open, bleed. When you feel like a part of you is missing. When you think that you're a fool for believing. When you feel ashamed of what you did. When you feel like murdering someone. When you feel like throwing yourself out of the balcony of your seventh floor home. When you feel like kicking yourself right in the arse.
What you can do to ease the unfathomable feelings is just cry. :'(
You say you'll know when you really find the one
But it's hard to tell with the damage that's been done
But id like to say that it's your fault
But I know better
Cuz' I'm a fool to think you'll wait around forever
Maybe I Could have loved you
Maybe I could have shown
That I still do care about you
More than you could know
Don't say it's too late to try
To make it right
Joseph Adam Jonas,
To make it right.
p.s. I don't intend to right the wrong, let it be wrong.
#1. Woke up super early, 515 am and started the journey at 615.
#2.Met the principal and the admin. Awesome team. Very engaging and supportive.
#3.Strolled aimlessly around the school yard because there was no one to guide us.
#4.Introduced ourselves to the teachers whenever asked. Their expressions were priceless.
Some were excited and some were pretty cynically excited, I could tell.
#5.Met the Head of Teachers and being shown the Bilik Guru. Introduced to the supreme teachers. Stoked!
#6. Been constantly mocked and snickered by some of the teachers, especially females ones.
"Eh we have to speak in English coz we have TESL teachers here", Grinned
" Weh jangan duduk meja makan situ la, that's for the 'Lecturers Only', kita teachers jek" while pointing at the usual table we used to dine.
Annoying, yes it was but what I did was gave them a big smile, big FAKE smile.
#7.Constantly being addressed as 'Abang' by most of the male students.
#8.Asked some of the teachers if they needed help because we weren't given any relief class.
#9.Enlightened by the PK HEM that they didn't give the last classes for trainess teacher to relief.
#10.Escorted all Form 3 students for a dental check. Ended up straining my vocal chord. But got the chance to familiarize myself with the students. They still called me 'Abg' and pretty dumbfounded when I told them I'm a teacher.
"Oh cikgu English, patutla ada slang", some sudents blurted. Haha funny!
#11. Finally given two relief classes, Form 4 and 3. Went well with Form 4 students. They asked me to replace their current English teacher. Didn't know whether they were sincere or just being nice. Form 3 was a havoc. The girls screamed their lung out when I entered. Some of the boys seemed to be giving me cold shoulders. Ended up chatting with the girls and being sarcastic to some of the boys. However, I loved the students' quirky questions and expressions.
"Teacher, jom la buat quiz!" a female student.
"Teacher Teacher dari Shah Alam kan? Saya dari Setia Alam, kita dua2 ada Alam kat belakang", and the student blushed. I was like 'Okayyyyy'.
"Teacher da kawen belom!"
"What do you think?" Me
"Da kawen neh", in unison.
"No lah, I'm single but I'm not available, especially to you guys" Me
" Ala teacher, baru nk masuk line', this was uttered by a male student and he too blushed when his friends teased him. Hahaha one awkward moment.
"Teacher, how old are you?"
"Take a guess" Me
"31 tahun, baju batik teacher buat teacher nampak tua"
#12. First school meeting and been appointed as AJK Kecerian Sekolah for Hari Koperasi and Karnival HEM.
#13. Realized that there were many Kelantanese Teachers at the school. It kinda felt like home.
#14. Got a grip of the time table. Will be teaching Eng for Form 4, Muet for Upper 6 and Sivik for form 4.
#15. Had to go to school on Saturday to participate in LADAP (Latihan Dalam Perkhidmatan).Overly dressed and being the centre of some of the teacher's attention. Everyone left at 12 but had to stay back to decorate the school.
It's just the first week of practicum. I kinda like the school but I'm freaking nervous about the students.