Painted Dream I18I

You fell sick. You caught a fever to be exact. I tried so hard not to give a heed after all that you did to me.

But I failed, tremendously.

I just couldn’t stay nonchalant towards you. I just couldn’t force my mind not to think of you. Images after images came bombarding my conscious mind. The more I tried to shut them, the more I tried to shoo them, the more they came knocking.

You, I demam. And I haven’t eaten anything since morning. Tak larat :’(

I just needed to oblige. I went to DriveThru and got you a bowl of chicken porridge. You just sounded so weak and frail. Worry hit me hard. My conscience, for once, acted rather in a logical sense. It’s the right thing to do.

I asked a friend to send me to your hostel. I braved through my utter cowardice that had always been inside of me. That little voice who’s adamant that you couldn’t do this or that. The one that always brings you down. That very night, I injured the little voice with my sheer determination and yes, conscience. I put on my halo and walked to your resident. 

I’m just gonna give you this porridge and leave.

That’s it.

Am doing this as a friend.

Not in the shoes of someone who’s fallen head over heels for you and just had his heart broken.

I put on my fake glasses. It felt like walking into the camp of your enemy in the middle of a battlefield. People could always recognize me. What would I do if someone saw me? What would I answer if someone I knew asked why I was there? I just couldn’t disclose my reason because they would talk shit once they knew that I was there for only one sole reason. You.

I was encumbered with superfluous thoughts.

I sat down at this one brick table we used to have ubiquitously around the hostel compound. I texted you saying I had arrived and waited for you. You were kinda shocked to hear that. I didn’t know whether the surprise tone was pre-planned or just plain sincere.

Hi.

I was right. You seemed terrible. Pale and frail-looking.

Hi. I got you chicken porridge. Nah amek ah.

And I handed it to you. You took it. Those eyes, that look you were wearing murdered me. Your eyes pierced through my heart as they screamed innocence.

Makan tau. I need to go. I datang dgn member dia tunggu kat luar. Bye and get well soon.

I nak you teman I makan please.

Please or else I won’t eat.

You grabbed my hand and hold it tight. I just wanted to exit. I didn’t want to dwell on these forlorn feelings anymore.

The grip of your hand holding mine was getting tighter, As if you were apologizing for things that you didn’t know you had done wrong. I looked straight into your eyes. Glistening and gleaming with hopeless yearning. Time halted, so that we could savour the moment.

So I snatched the bowl of that chicken porridge from your hand...

and opened it.

Nah bukak mulut.  

p.s. I am forever cursed by your love. 

26 dan 29

"Kiranya aku mahu tanya, mahu kau jawab?"
"Bergantung kepada persoalan dan pertanyaan"


"Dan sekiranya aku ajukan persoalan, bisa kau jawab dengan jujur?"
"Itu juga bergantung kepada apa yang di tanyakan dan di soalkan"


"Bisa kau janji akan jujur?"
"Sayang, aku bisa jujur, tetapi bergantung kepada soalanmu. Jadi utarakan dulu, baru aku bisa tahu"


"Aku masih cinta kamu.Aku masih sayang kamu. Kamu tahu bukan?"
"Itu bukan persoalan mahu pertanyaan. Itu pernyataan yang jujur dari kamu. Jadi aku tidak tahu jawapannya apa. Maafkan aku"


"Tapi kamu tahu bukan akan kebenaran pernyataan aku itu?"
"Ya aku tahu. Aku mengerti. Aku rasa bertuah lagi. Kau terlalu baik sayang. Terlalu bijak bermain sama kata-kata. Terlalu manis akan ucapan yang kau tuturkan" 


"Jadi?"
"Jadi?"


"Itu sahaja yang boleh kau ucapkan? Itu sahaja yang mampu kau reaksikan?"
"Habis apa lagi yang kau mahu sayang?"


p.s. "Aku hanya mahu kamu untuk aku seorang. Tidak mahu berkongsi. Aku tidak mampu menipu diri"

Ya ini untuk Kau

Aku bukan baru kenal kamu,
Sudah lama
Ada bertahun-tahun juga
Atau kau sudah lupa?
Sudah mulai alpa?

Bukan marah yang aku rasa
Cuma sedikit kecewa
Pada sikap kau yang
Kadang-kadang tidak bisa
Aku ungkap dengan perasan
Mahupun kata-kata

Kenapa harus bohong?
Kenapa harus sembunyi?
Jika dia yang kau suka?
Jika dia yang kau cinta?
Jika dia yang selama ini
Ada di depan mata?

Tolong,
Jujur sama aku
Jangan lagi menipu

p.s. Aku tahu. I know things. 

The Lost Words I11I

I am obsessed of you,
You are obsessed of him,
We both are deserving fools.

p.s. Same and Lame. 

The Lost Words I10I

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku
Ini tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Kau bukan milikku
Dan engkau pun tahu
Kau bukan milikku


Penakut by Yuna 


Dear someone, I don't know why but when it comes to confessing my love to you, I turn into a total coward. 
I like you. 
But I know you like someone else. 

p.s. The first person after Sayang. 

Painted Dream I17I

I was bottled up with anger and devastation. The thought that you might actually toy with my heart kept bombarding my mind, trying to knock my conscious down.

I needed to avenge my feelings.

I needed to pay back for what you’ve done.

I needed to prove to you that you just couldn’t break my heart and get away with it easily.

I was determined and unwavering.

I just needed my revenge or I won’t be at ease.

This heart kept on racing, pounding frantically every time the thought of you decided to sojourn my mind.

For a closure, I just needed retribution.

I swore that I wasn’t going to be attached with you either emotionally or physically.

If it’s a fling game you wanted, worry not sayang, I’ll serve it to you cold and fresh.

I made a truce with myself that I was going to make you feel special and one of a kind. I was going to plant the belief that you had me on my knees, willing to sacrifice my life for you. I was going to make you belief that I was your slave for love because once you had those planted in your conscious mind; it would be easier to tear you apart.

I was going to serve you with the taste of your own game.

p.s. You shouldn’t have toyed with my feelings because they were all genuine.

The Lost Words I9I

Bilamana aku seringkali
tersipu-sipu malu
merah padam
kedua pipiku
lewat terpandang akan
profile picture BBM mu,

Harus kamu tahu
aku ini sedang
suka sama kamu
sedang asyik
di buai rindu

Usah kamu ragu
aku ini memang sedang
mabuk sama kamu

p.s. Ini puisi terdesak, desperate mahu perhatian.