Painted Dream I19I

I fell in love again with you last night. That inevitable feeling I tried to escape found its way home, to my heart. You were like a tiny little creature, fragile and delicate I felt like holding you in my hand and protect you from any malicious creature out there.

I envisaged myself as your guardian angel. Equipped with all shining armour, a sword and of course, a scruffy yet impeccably flawless face similar to Ramueldo, the Italian heartthrob in the story The Cave of The Golden Flower.

Now who could deny that face I would like to name a very fuckable one. Alright pardon the language. I just need to highlight that.

How are you today?

Much better I think. But I’m running out of Polleney.

What the hell is that?

Apparently Polleney is a bottle of fish oil (catfish I think) consumed during fever. I had no idea until that point of time. A revelation indeed. I am just trying to be funny here. If it doesn’t work, pay no heed to that.

Jadi ke benda tu?

Jadi. Mak suruh minum.

I fancied that. You were using just ‘Mak’ instead of ‘Mak I’ or ‘Mak saya’ or ‘My Mom’. I felt special.

Orang minum semalam. It worked apparently. Still sore but much better than last night.

Orang.

Another of my sheer weakness. My kryptonite. Every time you used that, I felt so dear, so close to you. I learnt that for the first time from you. As a matter of fact, every time people use that nowadays, my knees will tremble. My mind will directly go to you.

Emm could you come and pick me up today? Nak beli benda tu lah.

Can you walk?Can you even get off from bed?

Will try. Have to sebab mak suruh org minum sampai demam kebah.

Stay in bed ok. I’ll get them for you.

Tapi orang tak nak susahkan you.

…..

I left the last message un-replied. One thing I am certain about you was that you were such a hardheaded person. If you say no, it means no. End of story. Any dispute and it will lead to a massive and robust argument.

I have experienced it many times to a certain extent I have become immune to it.

p.s. This is turning into some lame love story isn’t? 

The Lost Word I12I

Hati rasa sesuatu
Bilamana dalam gelap
Engkau datang
Menyeru,

Seruanmu aku sahut,

Walau betapa sakit,
Walau betapa perit,

Luka lama masih dalam
Luka lama masih terpendam
Manakan bisa aku lupa
apa yang terjadi-
antara kita,
pada kita,
Juga apa yang kau buat
pada aku

Kita pernah bersama
merasai kemanisan bercinta
Kita juga pernah bahagia
atau
Mungkin itu hanya perasaan aku saja?

Tapi aku peduli apa,
Asalkan kita pernah bahagia bersama

Tapi sayang, apa kau buat
aku tidak bisa lupa
Kau tinggal aku merana,
Kau buat aku gila,
Kau pergi tanpa apa-apa
alasan,
Aku pula makin terkesan

Aku cuba untuk lupa
Bait-bait hidup yang kita
pernah kongsi bersama,

Cuba untuk membuang jauh segala rasa
Tapi hanya sia-sia
Bagai membuang masa

Tapi,

Aku tekad mahu menjaga
hati aku yang hampir binasa
remuk,
hancur,
tiada makna

Painted Dream I18I

You fell sick. You caught a fever to be exact. I tried so hard not to give a heed after all that you did to me.

But I failed, tremendously.

I just couldn’t stay nonchalant towards you. I just couldn’t force my mind not to think of you. Images after images came bombarding my conscious mind. The more I tried to shut them, the more I tried to shoo them, the more they came knocking.

You, I demam. And I haven’t eaten anything since morning. Tak larat :’(

I just needed to oblige. I went to DriveThru and got you a bowl of chicken porridge. You just sounded so weak and frail. Worry hit me hard. My conscience, for once, acted rather in a logical sense. It’s the right thing to do.

I asked a friend to send me to your hostel. I braved through my utter cowardice that had always been inside of me. That little voice who’s adamant that you couldn’t do this or that. The one that always brings you down. That very night, I injured the little voice with my sheer determination and yes, conscience. I put on my halo and walked to your resident. 

I’m just gonna give you this porridge and leave.

That’s it.

Am doing this as a friend.

Not in the shoes of someone who’s fallen head over heels for you and just had his heart broken.

I put on my fake glasses. It felt like walking into the camp of your enemy in the middle of a battlefield. People could always recognize me. What would I do if someone saw me? What would I answer if someone I knew asked why I was there? I just couldn’t disclose my reason because they would talk shit once they knew that I was there for only one sole reason. You.

I was encumbered with superfluous thoughts.

I sat down at this one brick table we used to have ubiquitously around the hostel compound. I texted you saying I had arrived and waited for you. You were kinda shocked to hear that. I didn’t know whether the surprise tone was pre-planned or just plain sincere.

Hi.

I was right. You seemed terrible. Pale and frail-looking.

Hi. I got you chicken porridge. Nah amek ah.

And I handed it to you. You took it. Those eyes, that look you were wearing murdered me. Your eyes pierced through my heart as they screamed innocence.

Makan tau. I need to go. I datang dgn member dia tunggu kat luar. Bye and get well soon.

I nak you teman I makan please.

Please or else I won’t eat.

You grabbed my hand and hold it tight. I just wanted to exit. I didn’t want to dwell on these forlorn feelings anymore.

The grip of your hand holding mine was getting tighter, As if you were apologizing for things that you didn’t know you had done wrong. I looked straight into your eyes. Glistening and gleaming with hopeless yearning. Time halted, so that we could savour the moment.

So I snatched the bowl of that chicken porridge from your hand...

and opened it.

Nah bukak mulut.  

p.s. I am forever cursed by your love. 

26 dan 29

"Kiranya aku mahu tanya, mahu kau jawab?"
"Bergantung kepada persoalan dan pertanyaan"


"Dan sekiranya aku ajukan persoalan, bisa kau jawab dengan jujur?"
"Itu juga bergantung kepada apa yang di tanyakan dan di soalkan"


"Bisa kau janji akan jujur?"
"Sayang, aku bisa jujur, tetapi bergantung kepada soalanmu. Jadi utarakan dulu, baru aku bisa tahu"


"Aku masih cinta kamu.Aku masih sayang kamu. Kamu tahu bukan?"
"Itu bukan persoalan mahu pertanyaan. Itu pernyataan yang jujur dari kamu. Jadi aku tidak tahu jawapannya apa. Maafkan aku"


"Tapi kamu tahu bukan akan kebenaran pernyataan aku itu?"
"Ya aku tahu. Aku mengerti. Aku rasa bertuah lagi. Kau terlalu baik sayang. Terlalu bijak bermain sama kata-kata. Terlalu manis akan ucapan yang kau tuturkan" 


"Jadi?"
"Jadi?"


"Itu sahaja yang boleh kau ucapkan? Itu sahaja yang mampu kau reaksikan?"
"Habis apa lagi yang kau mahu sayang?"


p.s. "Aku hanya mahu kamu untuk aku seorang. Tidak mahu berkongsi. Aku tidak mampu menipu diri"

Ya ini untuk Kau

Aku bukan baru kenal kamu,
Sudah lama
Ada bertahun-tahun juga
Atau kau sudah lupa?
Sudah mulai alpa?

Bukan marah yang aku rasa
Cuma sedikit kecewa
Pada sikap kau yang
Kadang-kadang tidak bisa
Aku ungkap dengan perasan
Mahupun kata-kata

Kenapa harus bohong?
Kenapa harus sembunyi?
Jika dia yang kau suka?
Jika dia yang kau cinta?
Jika dia yang selama ini
Ada di depan mata?

Tolong,
Jujur sama aku
Jangan lagi menipu

p.s. Aku tahu. I know things.