The Existentialist

Painted Dream I19I

2012-02-19T08:01:00.000-08:00

I fell in love again with you last night. That inevitable feeling I tried to escape found its way home, to my heart. You were like a tiny little creature, fragile and delicate I felt like holding you in my hand and protect you from any malicious creature out there.

I envisaged myself as your guardian angel. Equipped with all shining armour, a sword and of course, a scruffy yet impeccably flawless face similar to Ramueldo, the Italian heartthrob in the story The Cave of The Golden Flower.

Now who could deny that face I would like to name a very fuckable one. Alright pardon the language. I just need to highlight that.

How are you today?

Much better I think. But I’m running out of Polleney.

What the hell is that?

Apparently Polleney is a bottle of fish oil (catfish I think) consumed during fever. I had no idea until that point of time. A revelation indeed. I am just trying to be funny here. If it doesn’t work, pay no heed to that.

Jadi ke benda tu?

Jadi. Mak suruh minum.

I fancied that. You were using just ‘Mak’ instead of ‘Mak I’ or ‘Mak saya’ or ‘My Mom’. I felt special.

Orang minum semalam. It worked apparently. Still sore but much better than last night.

Orang.

Another of my sheer weakness. My kryptonite. Every time you used that, I felt so dear, so close to you. I learnt that for the first time from you. As a matter of fact, every time people use that nowadays, my knees will tremble. My mind will directly go to you.

Emm could you come and pick me up today? Nak beli benda tu lah.

Can you walk?Can you even get off from bed?

Will try. Have to sebab mak suruh org minum sampai demam kebah.

Stay in bed ok. I’ll get them for you.

Tapi orang tak nak susahkan you.

…..

I left the last message un-replied. One thing I am certain about you was that you were such a hardheaded person. If you say no, it means no. End of story. Any dispute and it will lead to a massive and robust argument.

I have experienced it many times to a certain extent I have become immune to it.

p.s. This is turning into some lame love story isn’t?

The Lost Word I12I

2012-02-17T08:15:00.000-08:00

Hati rasa sesuatu
Bilamana dalam gelap
Engkau datang
Menyeru,

Seruanmu aku sahut,

Walau betapa sakit,
Walau betapa perit,

Luka lama masih dalam
Luka lama masih terpendam
Manakan bisa aku lupa
apa yang terjadi-
antara kita,
pada kita,
Juga apa yang kau buat
pada aku

Kita pernah bersama
merasai kemanisan bercinta
Kita juga pernah bahagia
atau
Mungkin itu hanya perasaan aku saja?

Tapi aku peduli apa,
Asalkan kita pernah bahagia bersama

Tapi sayang, apa kau buat
aku tidak bisa lupa
Kau tinggal aku merana,
Kau buat aku gila,
Kau pergi tanpa apa-apa
alasan,
Aku pula makin terkesan

Aku cuba untuk lupa
Bait-bait hidup yang kita
pernah kongsi bersama,

Cuba untuk membuang jauh segala rasa
Tapi hanya sia-sia
Bagai membuang masa

Tapi,

Aku tekad mahu menjaga
hati aku yang hampir binasa
remuk,
hancur,
tiada makna

Painted Dream I18I

2012-02-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

You fell sick. You caught a fever to be exact. I tried so hard not to give a heed after all that you did to me.

But I failed, tremendously.

I just couldn’t stay nonchalant towards you. I just couldn’t force my mind not to think of you. Images after images came bombarding my conscious mind. The more I tried to shut them, the more I tried to shoo them, the more they came knocking.

You, I demam. And I haven’t eaten anything since morning. Tak larat :’(

I just needed to oblige. I went to DriveThru and got you a bowl of chicken porridge. You just sounded so weak and frail. Worry hit me hard. My conscience, for once, acted rather in a logical sense. It’s the right thing to do.

I asked a friend to send me to your hostel. I braved through my utter cowardice that had always been inside of me. That little voice who’s adamant that you couldn’t do this or that. The one that always brings you down. That very night, I injured the little voice with my sheer determination and yes, conscience. I put on my halo and walked to your resident.

I’m just gonna give you this porridge and leave.

That’s it.

Am doing this as a friend.

Not in the shoes of someone who’s fallen head over heels for you and just had his heart broken.

I put on my fake glasses. It felt like walking into the camp of your enemy in the middle of a battlefield. People could always recognize me. What would I do if someone saw me? What would I answer if someone I knew asked why I was there? I just couldn’t disclose my reason because they would talk shit once they knew that I was there for only one sole reason. You.

I was encumbered with superfluous thoughts.

I sat down at this one brick table we used to have ubiquitously around the hostel compound. I texted you saying I had arrived and waited for you. You were kinda shocked to hear that. I didn’t know whether the surprise tone was pre-planned or just plain sincere.

Hi.

I was right. You seemed terrible. Pale and frail-looking.

Hi. I got you chicken porridge. Nah amek ah.

And I handed it to you. You took it. Those eyes, that look you were wearing murdered me. Your eyes pierced through my heart as they screamed innocence.

Makan tau. I need to go. I datang dgn member dia tunggu kat luar. Bye and get well soon.

I nak you teman I makan please.

Please or else I won’t eat.

You grabbed my hand and hold it tight. I just wanted to exit. I didn’t want to dwell on these forlorn feelings anymore.

The grip of your hand holding mine was getting tighter, As if you were apologizing for things that you didn’t know you had done wrong. I looked straight into your eyes. Glistening and gleaming with hopeless yearning. Time halted, so that we could savour the moment.

So I snatched the bowl of that chicken porridge from your hand...

and opened it.

Nah bukak mulut.

p.s. I am forever cursed by your love.

26 dan 29

2012-02-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

"Kiranya aku mahu tanya, mahu kau jawab?"
"Bergantung kepada persoalan dan pertanyaan"

"Dan sekiranya aku ajukan persoalan, bisa kau jawab dengan jujur?"
"Itu juga bergantung kepada apa yang di tanyakan dan di soalkan"

"Bisa kau janji akan jujur?"
"Sayang, aku bisa jujur, tetapi bergantung kepada soalanmu. Jadi utarakan dulu, baru aku bisa tahu"

"Aku masih cinta kamu.Aku masih sayang kamu. Kamu tahu bukan?"
"Itu bukan persoalan mahu pertanyaan. Itu pernyataan yang jujur dari kamu. Jadi aku tidak tahu jawapannya apa. Maafkan aku"

"Tapi kamu tahu bukan akan kebenaran pernyataan aku itu?"
"Ya aku tahu. Aku mengerti. Aku rasa bertuah lagi. Kau terlalu baik sayang. Terlalu bijak bermain sama kata-kata. Terlalu manis akan ucapan yang kau tuturkan"

"Jadi?"
"Jadi?"

"Itu sahaja yang boleh kau ucapkan? Itu sahaja yang mampu kau reaksikan?"
"Habis apa lagi yang kau mahu sayang?"

p.s. "Aku hanya mahu kamu untuk aku seorang. Tidak mahu berkongsi. Aku tidak mampu menipu diri"

Ya ini untuk Kau

2012-02-02T05:57:00.000-08:00

Aku bukan baru kenal kamu,
Sudah lama
Ada bertahun-tahun juga
Atau kau sudah lupa?
Sudah mulai alpa?

Bukan marah yang aku rasa
Cuma sedikit kecewa
Pada sikap kau yang
Kadang-kadang tidak bisa
Aku ungkap dengan perasan
Mahupun kata-kata

Kenapa harus bohong?
Kenapa harus sembunyi?
Jika dia yang kau suka?
Jika dia yang kau cinta?
Jika dia yang selama ini
Ada di depan mata?

Tolong,
Jujur sama aku
Jangan lagi menipu

p.s. Aku tahu. I know things.

The Lost Words I11I

2012-01-31T05:28:00.001-08:00

I am obsessed of you,
You are obsessed of him,
We both are deserving fools.

p.s. Same and Lame.

The Lost Words I10I

2012-01-31T05:23:00.000-08:00

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku
Ini tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Kau bukan milikku
Dan engkau pun tahu
Kau bukan milikku

Penakut by Yuna

Dear someone, I don't know why but when it comes to confessing my love to you, I turn into a total coward.
I like you.
But I know you like someone else.

p.s. The first person after Sayang.

Painted Dream I17I

2012-01-09T07:03:00.001-08:00

I was bottled up with anger and devastation. The thought that you might actually toy with my heart kept bombarding my mind, trying to knock my conscious down.

I needed to avenge my feelings.

I needed to pay back for what you’ve done.

I needed to prove to you that you just couldn’t break my heart and get away with it easily.

I was determined and unwavering.

I just needed my revenge or I won’t be at ease.

This heart kept on racing, pounding frantically every time the thought of you decided to sojourn my mind.

For a closure, I just needed retribution.

I swore that I wasn’t going to be attached with you either emotionally or physically.

If it’s a fling game you wanted, worry not sayang, I’ll serve it to you cold and fresh.

I made a truce with myself that I was going to make you feel special and one of a kind. I was going to plant the belief that you had me on my knees, willing to sacrifice my life for you. I was going to make you belief that I was your slave for love because once you had those planted in your conscious mind; it would be easier to tear you apart.

I was going to serve you with the taste of your own game.

p.s. You shouldn’t have toyed with my feelings because they were all genuine.

The Lost Words I9I

2012-01-09T06:59:00.000-08:00

Bilamana aku seringkali
tersipu-sipu malu
merah padam
kedua pipiku
lewat terpandang akan
profile picture BBM mu,

Harus kamu tahu
aku ini sedang
suka sama kamu
sedang asyik
di buai rindu

Usah kamu ragu
aku ini memang sedang
mabuk sama kamu

p.s. Ini puisi terdesak, desperate mahu perhatian.

Painted Dream I16I

2012-01-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

You know something Acad?

Your Sayang has been awfully and continuously flirting with me.

What a sweet talker this person is.

Your Sayang actually asked if we could be an item. Could you believe that?

I haven’t answered it yet, I wanna know your say in this.

Should I say yes?

I’m sorry but I couldn’t help it.

When your Sayang talks, sugar pours out of the mouth and it mencurah-curah ke ladang gandum lalu jadilah koko krunch.

Kau faham kan?

I’m stuck in between and I hate this feeling.

I don’t want to disappoint you because I know the affection you harbour towards this person.

But I don’t know what to do either.

How could you do this to me?

I told you many times I like you, in fact I have told you countless-ly I love you.

Is that hard to understand?

Please if you don’t like me you don’t have to treat me like I’m your freaking boyfriend!

What you do is making me consume the idea that we are an item.

A happy couple.

The fuck with all those good night kisses and wishes; they were all fake.

You are fake!

Sayang kenapa macam ni?

Acad kenapa dengan you ni?

You buat I sedih tau.

Jangan la macam ni.

Kita kan kawan.

Please jangan macam ni.

p.s. Kawan? Kau kata aku ni kawan? After all those shitty ideas and hopes you shoved into my mind. Kawan my arse!

The Lost Words I8I

2012-01-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

I miss us.

p.s. Agaknya bila perasaan akan bisa berputik?

HelloMoto

2012-01-02T01:44:00.000-08:00

Why hello there 2012,
Surprise me
as I'm going to leave you unexpected.

So yeah 2011,
Myriads of memories
you too shall be left unattended.

p.s. Happy New Year everyone.

The Lost Words I7I

2011-12-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

Aku punya kaca mata hitam
yang aku sangat sayang
sama seperti semua orang

Kemana-mana ia aku bawa
ke mana-mana ia aku pegang
sama seperti semua orang

Tapi kaca mata aku sangat istimewa
kalau kamu mahu tahu sesuatu
jika kau lihat
aku capai kaca mataku

Lalu ku sarungkan menutup mataku
Jika begitu perilaku
Jika kamu mahu tahu

Aku tidak mahu kau melihat terus ke mataku
kerana aku tidak mahu kau tahu
akan
khilafku.

p.s. Apa ada di sebalik kaca mata hitam mu?

The Lost Words I6I

2011-12-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

Malam gelap
Hitam pekat
Hujan lebat
Kilat kuat

Duduk aku
Atas bangku
Menanti menunggu
Hadirnya kamu

Basah lencun
Sejuk beku
Mana kamu?
Aku tunggu

Kita janji
Jumpa disini
Aku rindu
Setengah mati

Kamu datang
Dengan seseorang
Berpegangan tangan
Bergelak sakan

Sampai hati
Mana pergi
Janji janji
Pada diri

Kamu lupa
Aku ada
Tetap setia
Menanti cahaya

Wahai Tuhan
Biar dia
Bersama teman
Bahagia selamanya

Malam gelap
Hitam pekat
Hujan lebat
Kilat kuat

Aku sendiri
Mengharap menanti
Hadirnya kamu
Selamanya ku tunggu.

p.s. Noktah bertindih.

The Lost Words I5I

2011-12-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

I am just not ready,

I just don't have the strength,

to let you go.

not

just

yet

p.s. I will forget you when the time comes.

The Lost Words I4I

2011-12-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

Terima kasih Karma,
Melihat apa kau buat
pada mereka
banyak membuatkan aku
terasa kuat,

Tapi Karma,
Jangan kau berani buat
Jangan kau berani balas
Jangan kau berani

Dia masih aku sayang
biarkan apa yang dia buat
aku simpan sorang-sorang
aku tak mahu dia merana
aku tak mahu jatuh air matanya
Aku tak mahu
Biar aku tanggung semua.

p.s. Karma si Hukum Fizik

The Lost Words I3I

2011-11-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Sayang,

May all happiness linger around you because you my dear, have the most intoxicating and contagious laugh in the world.

I may have given up on us, but it doesn't mean that I no longer love you. I will always love you, here in my heart.

:')

p.s. Nothing will change my feelings towards you no matter what happens. That's my promise.

Painted Dream I Present Time

2011-11-18T03:57:00.000-08:00

Listened to Katy Perry's The One That Got Away last night.

Imagine a wound or cuts that, all this while you thought you have managed to remedy, suddenly opens. Slowly at a snail's pace. That agonizing yet subtle pain you experience when you had paper-cuts, or a cut by a knife at your finger.

Imagine those cuts; paper-cuts and knife-cuts, happen simultaneously and repetitively, stabbing your heart.

Imagine this song is your love song and 500 Days of Summer's your love story.

Imagine waiting for someone for almost two year and you actually had him/her, but only for a short period of time.

Imagine the one you love the most and tenderly ask you to forget all the memories you used to share together.

Imagine your future that you have planned together perishes, like an apparition of smoke, in front of your eyes.

Imagine missing someone to a certain extent you could barely breathe when thinking of him/her.

Imagine.

Imagine all the possibilities of contentment that you can taste together.

Imagine you, trying to reach and grasp the possibilities but to no avail as it goes further into the unreachable realm.

Imagine you and your lover, which has become your ex, turn into a complete stranger.

Imagine.

Today, I cried in my toilet at my office.

p.s. I really miss you Sayang. Whatever happens to our future plan? Whatever happens to I need you beside me? Whatever happens to I love you too.

The Lost Words I2I

2011-11-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

Rindu awak.
Setengah mati.

p.s. rindu gila.

The Lost Words I1I

2011-11-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

Why can't you forget me?

Why can't you?

p.s. I don't have the answer.

Painted Dream I15I

2011-11-04T19:48:00.001-07:00

Devastation started to slither down my spine. It was just too hard to fathom. We were boarding a train to the happy land. Well at least that was what I thought and clearly, we did not row the same boat.

Another heartbreak. Another heartache. I’ve been used to being disenchanted, let down and my heart being broken to a certain extent that it almost seemed like a daily routine. I failed to emote, to succumb to disappointment and cried my eyes out. Tears did flow but it was a supplementary action, to indicate that I was in the state of wretchedness.

It was just a fling, this has proved it.

Nothing to be sad about.

Come on Arshad, pull it together.

I tried to coax the cajoling heart of mine. So you wanted to play with this fickle heart do you not? Alright Sayang if that is your wish? I am more than happy to oblige.

So let the game begin. Shall we?

p.s. the game didn’t go like the plan. I’m actually glad.

Metafora Cinta

2011-11-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

Biar cinta berkata-kata,
biar ia luahkan segala,
semua yang tersirat,
semua yang tersurat

Biar cinta bergerak bebas,
biar cinta buat kau lemas,
biar cinta buktikan
mereka semua salah!
biar cinta buktikan
mereka semua sampah!

Biar cinta berbisik ke telinga
biar kau rasa betapa nikmatnya,
biar mereka cemburu
akan engkau dan aku,
biar mereka makan hati
melihat kebahagian yang kita kecapi,

Biar cinta mengusap dahi,
biar cinta cium di pipi,
biar cinta pegang hati,
biar cinta usap lembut
dahi, pipi and hati,

Biar cinta memelukmu,
biarkan ia meraba-raba,
biarkan cinta
jika ia mahu merasa semua,

Hey bodoh,
sebelum kau biarkan cinta berkata-kata,
sebelum kau biarkan ia merasuk ke dalam jiwa,
sebelum kau biarkan ia meronta meminta-minta,
mari sini dengar dulu
apa mahu aku!

Aku mahu kau tenung cinta itu,
dalam-dalam,
tajam-tajam,
bukannya apa,
pastikan dulu ianya betul betul cinta,
bukanya nafsu semata-mata,

Ya ini sindiran untuk kamu semua,
yang di tipu nafsu buta buta,
kononya cinta yang di rasa
rupanya nafsu yang selama ini di noda.

p.s. Jangan nak terasa sangat lah, aku tulis berdasarkan pengalaman.

Painted Dream I14I

2011-11-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

I missed your performance night. It was my fault but I couldn’t help it, the All American Reject was in town for their live concert. I just couldn’t miss that. I was indecisive tho initially whether I should ditch the concert and provide you with the most tender support. Remember I said I was still muddled about my real feelings towards you, I reasoned by comforting myself that those feelings were just a phase and they would wash out eventually but AAR was certainly real.

You were devastated. At least that was what I got from the cold responses you were throwing at me. I wished you good luck and was honest by truthfully stating that I would be at a concert. For a fact that I wasn’t there to witness your performance, some part of me dreadfully regretted the decision.

Because that night I discovered something rather hurtful, the feeling I harboured for you wasn’t mutually reciprocated.

You met my friend. Rather good looking and a heart breaker. We both were in a different league. His strong jaw line made him stood out in a crowd. He had a more angular face compared to my usual round face. My soft yet shrieking scream-queen voice was nothing compared to his mannish Nashville-like voice that would melt you in an instant. Body-wise, let just say that he was way more comfortable in his rather than I, in mine. However, we were pretty close to each other. He liked to talk to me about almost anything and everything.

The concert was a blast. It felt like walking down one poignant memory lane. I used to share my fondness in AAR with a special someone. Someone whom I used to be crushing hard at that time, before our paths crossed and my attention was drawn completely towards you. I should neglect the story about AAR and this former special someone because this was supposed to be our story. As a matter of fact, this someone wasn’t exactly that special because you were on top of my will-do-anything-for-you list. Simply because you weren’t special, you were just more and beyond special.

Speaking of this friend I talked about who you met at your performance night was rather hard because he showed me the bitter truth of my infatuation to you. I was having an online conversation with him when he enquired questions about this one intriguing figure he noticed during the drama night. I kinda knew he was referring to you yet I tried to ensure we were referring the same person. My gut feeling was right; he was asking questions about you.

Hey, I noticed this particular person at the drama night the other day.

Before he could further describe you, I provided him with a plateful of information about you but I had trouble introducing you to him. Who are you? I mean I constantly fantasized about the possibilities of what we two could have but it was just one-sided possibilities. I had no idea what was on the other side of the coin if I flipped it.

A conversation with my friend who seemed to show interest in you revealed everything.

You were flirting with him.

p.s. I didn’t know what and how to feel.

Painted Dream I13I

2011-10-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

I would say that the first date went triumphantly. It’s a personal record and I was jubilantly elated and elevated into another level of contentment. One of the few first dates that really meant something to me. It’s a personal favourite too.

However, I was still in haze about the feelings I harboured towards you. It’s like a potpourri of scents, one first sniff and you think it has the best whiff in the world yet it turns rotten and pungent that it goes straight to your head and leaves you feeling nauseous the next time you take another sniff. Was it love or was it just another fling we both were indulging. Whatever it was, one thing for certain was I had never felt this new sensation. I was catapulted to the seventh heaven.

Texting each other had been a serious inevitable and vital routine. Stories were shared and exchanged; sometimes it was more than just stories. We sure knew how to spice things up. And that part was the most intimately astounding. I was completely besotted and infatuated. The feeling was just outlandish.

We went out for a couple of casual dates, luncheons, and dinners. My friends started to have qualms about this mysterious friend I’ve been indulging and devoting my time with. If only they knew you were not merely a friend, you were beyond that. To their knowledge, I was hanging with a new friend I picked up during the workshop.

Little did they know how important you had slowly become in my life. It had struck a chord on me that I was utterly in love, falling head over heels over you. I could go berserk if I didn’t text you or hear any news about you. Knowing what you were doing, what colour was your shirt you were wearing, have you eaten, how you feeling today and all those trivial stuffs had been an obligatory routine that I couldn’t bear to miss. Those things metaphorically had been my daily drugs. You, on the other hand, were the medicine.

p.s. The feelings were just simply ineffable.

Painted Dream ::intermission::

2011-10-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

"Cinta kau dan aku

Tak kan mungkin bersatu

untuk saat ini

di dunia ini

Mungkin kita bersama

nanti di atas sana

biar ku setia

menjaga cintamu"

Kisah Hati by Alyah

p.s. Dear Sayang, I have told you this countless time and I'll keep telling you this. No matter what happened or what's going to happen, I will always love you.

Painted Dream I12I

2011-10-01T00:42:00.000-07:00

I brought you to McDonalds. I don’t know why but I have a thing with that fast food restaurant. Most of my first dates and usual dates would take place in McDonalds. It has never failed me in terms of impressing people as well as expressing myself. It’s a safe location; it falls in between cheap and extravagant. Just nice. Although I wanted to make it different with you, we ended up in McDonalds eventually.

I had with me my laptop. I nearly finished the assignment, simply waiting for the final touch. We ordered and scouted for the perfect table. Alas, it wasn’t really a perfect table as we sat adjacent to another couple. Their eyes ushered us to our table, intrigued maybe by the presence you brought to the place. We talked like it was nobody’s business. We laughed like we owned the place. I realized two things that night that had shoved me closer in your life. Firstly, you certainly didn’t bother what others might think and perceive you. Secondly, you had the sexiest and most alluring laugh. It’s contagious.

I had found myself getting fonder of you.

We really had fun that night. I had so much more fun. We were very intimate. Our hands were at times intertwined unknowingly and whenever that happened, we would look at each other rather awkwardly and uncomfortably. I, without a doubt, relished every moment. Like a boy being handed a candy, my heart was zealously pounding in gusto.

You assisted me with my assignment. I didn’t care anymore about the assignment. I just wanted to plunge my time with you. When it was time to head back, it was the most painful decision I had to make. I wished the time would halt. I prayed it would stop. I felt heavy. The gravity seemed to be weighing more than usual.

It was just dreadful watching you exited the car.

p.s. why must it come to an end?

Letting Go

2011-09-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

banyak sudah cara aku lakukan,

banyak sudah jalan aku usahakan,

kalau mahu di kira air mata yang aku titiskan,

tidak mungkin bisa engkau guna tempayan untuk tadahkan,

tapi hati ini,

degil sungguh!

bodoh sungguh!

tidak mahu ia untuk melepaskan

kau jauh-jauh,

tidak kira betapa sakit,

tidak kira betapa perit,

tidak pernah sesekali ia berhenti

untuk mengingati,

insan istimewa yang pernah

ia sayangi.

p.s. Letting go is difficult when one isn't ready. And yes I am not ready to let you go.

Guilty Pleasure

2011-09-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

Do me a favor, listen to this will you?

Because he asked the fans to share this.

p.s. I turned gay for like 3 minutes.

If I left you a Suicide Note

2011-09-17T03:37:00.000-07:00

If I left you a suicide note,
would you bother?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you flinch even for an inch?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you mourn for me?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you see me differently?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you love me tenderly?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you hold my hands dearly?

If I left you a suicide note,
would you kiss my lips?

If I left you suicide note,
would you care?
or
would you even notice it's there?

p.s. would you?

Painted Dream I11I

2011-09-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was a total silent in the car, externally. I didn’t neither move nor flinch. Intrinsically, a tornado of emotions was stirring viciously. I wanted to scream my lungs out and tell the whole world that you were in my car. I wanted to bang my head on the wall as a confirmation that it wasn’t a dream. It was too good to be true. You were exactly sitting beside me.

Your sweet scent wafted through the car’s air conditioner. The shirts and the jeans you donned fit you faultlessly. Your hair was dressed in a way that it looked specially done by a professional hair-dresser. Your distinguished strut was very poised and model-like. Your smile, it just blew me away. It’s like being shot by a gun in the head at point-blank; it was inexplicably spellbinding but of course in a good way. Your piercing wolf-like eyes sharply glowed and exuded luminous radiance.

The moment you cracked open the car’s door and rest your body on the seat, you took a glimpse at my face and sheepishly smiled. That smile ruthlessly killed me.

Wow you actually listen to me.

Excuse me?

The first time we met at the workshop, you had eyeliner on one of your eyes. Remember I said it looks tacky and..

And I said I’ll use it on both eyes for this day.

Yeah, it’s flattering. I like it better. Way much better.

p.s. you janganlah pakai eyeliner sebelah mata jek, Nampak macam you kena tumbuk ngan orang. Nanti kita keluar sama2 jangan pakai camtu eh?

#Daily Dose: The Glee Project

2011-08-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I don't considered myself as a Gleek because I am not an ardent fan of that stellar TV series. I am not sure whether stellar is the right adjective but never mind, you get what I meant.

So yeah I've been plunging my head watching the new sorta singing competition The Glee Project. The winner of the show will be given a once-of-a-lifetime opportunity to appear on Glee Season 3, as guest stars or special appearances I reckon.

Initially I thought the show is going to be another crappy show with wannabees and lame losers trying to sing their heart out for that fame chance but I was terribly wrong. Those contenders can really sing and they don't have to try too hard, they sing so effortlessly as if you are watching them speaking.

I am now in love with Cameron Mitchell, I guess you could tell because usually I blog or rather lament about my personal life so writing about something out of it is like waiting for the moon to turn blue but here I am smitten whilst writing this. This skinny nerdy awkward blonde whose voice is so soothing to my ears. I could listen to him serenading me for eternal. Here is his 43 seconds rendition of Keep Holding On, the final song the contenders need to oblige once they are eliminated but mind you the only reason Cameron sang the song is because he voluntarily quit the competition.

I think this is undoubtedly by far the best and most emotional rendition by the eliminated contestants. Like an arrow, the raspy and husky voice of his, shot straight to your heart and at times it feels like his voice will break at any times. I am no voice coach but one thing I know and it's for certain is that Cameron's voice is to die for!

Amongst all, I could see him going places making good music. His records don't need to go platinum or multi-platinum, it would suffice to think that he'll be turning into another silent legend, an unsung hero in the industry.

Do check out the reason he quit the show, I think it's a virtue. Oh yeah he does have his own you tube channel so you may want to take a peek at that too because there's some promising originals and stupendous covers by him.

p.s. Remember I said I have a thing with red heads, well go take a look at Marissa, another force to be reckoned with even though she too isn't the winner of the competition.

Painted Dream I10I

2011-08-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

2 years ago when you entered the car and sat beside me, my knees shuddered and trembled, my tongue turned numb, my heart went berserk-pounding wildly on the chest just like a mad man trying to exit from a confinement in an asylum- , my body was anaesthetically electrocuted and the feelings were just utter surreal.

I still have that experience today every time you’re near.

Your presence can simply be equalized like a cosmic magnetic force, pulling me closer and draining my energy from my body. I was enchanted, willing to sacrifice myself for a chance of savouring the flavour of your love.

Is this what you called true love? I had never plunged my head in it regardless of being constantly upset, saddened and rejected by a person I admired before I met you Sayang.

Crushes come and go, but you’ll definitely know when it’s love

I guess the sentence is aptly and undoubtedly constructed.

p.s. I was besotted and still am, at this very moment.

Painted Dream I9I

2011-08-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

It still baffled me the fact that I managed to take you out for a date that day. You wouldn’t reckon it was a date but I did. Whatever happened to the world that gave me the strength to brave through my inferiority and fears, it was a day I wouldn’t let it skip my mind for a second.

I begged my friend to lend me his car. We were freakishly on the edge of a cliff because one of the assignments was due that very night. He, my friend, had completed his whilst I, on the contrary was struggling, strangled by the fact that I might put my assignment on a risky spot just to turn my dream of taking you out into a realization.

I need to make copies and print this shit or else I wouldn’t be able to finish this. I need your car to commute.

Yeah sure.

We the seniors were aiding some friends with their task so some of us were stuck at the hall where this thing took place. So it was an easy inquiry. Since my friend would definitely stay at the hall until it finished, which provided me with the opportunity to flee and entered a new world of quixotically make believe with you. I set my head and aim straight. This assignment shit would need to be completed before 4 or I could kiss the date a bitter farewell. I was all over the place since we were needed to come up with a portfolio of our writings. Papers were piling up getting readied to be placed neatly inside the portfolio.

It was already 4 o’clock but I was nowhere near the finish line. You on the other hand, were starting to get a hint that I might be giving you false hopes.

I packed all my stuffs, put on my best shirt and raced to pick you up only to be disappointed by the fact that I hadn't a slightest inkling of the location of the hostel you were residing. On one hand, I had this abundance of work to be done but on the other, the dreadful feeling of wanting to meet you was so overwhelming and I knew if I didn’t proceed with the plan, we would never be like how we are today.

p.s. I am beyond glad I took that chance.

To whom it may concern

2011-07-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

Painted dream will commence when the author finally gets his interest in writing back.

Till then, this blog shall remain at it is that you can see now.

LAME.

Sincerely,

The one who is not sincere enough.

p.s. what the hell aku merepek ni?

Painted Dream I8I

2011-06-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was freaking busy at that time since the end of the semester was imminent. You on the other hand were occupied with your drama staging.

We kept in touch with each other but yet failed to block a date and plunge ourselves into a perfect and romantically delusional first date. You asked tho, constantly but I kept denying. I had pictured our first date and had devised a perfect first date with you hence the persistent refusal.

I was at war with my inner self not to comply and bow down to your invitation of going out. I was truthfully in desperate craving to meet you but at the same time, I was afraid. I fear of rejections. This fickle heart of mine was in a state of confusion. Unable to decide and be prepared of the consequences of the date. Well you see, I'd had terrible experiences when it came to first blind date.

but it wasn't a blind date, you guys met the other day during the workshop remember?

the heart whispered.

If you weren't interested at the first place, we would not be where we are now, wouldn't we?

I thought, trying to cajole the sulking heart of mine.

p.s. were you interested in me Sayang?

[Aku Orang Halus 31]

2011-06-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

Menangis lagi,

aku penat sayang,

penat mahu selamatkan keadaaan,

penat mahu mengalah,

Aku tahu kau rimas,

Sebab tiap kali aku message

kau jarang balas,

Kenapa?

Bagaimana

kau hebat sekali memberi reaksi

seakan kita tidak pernah berkongsi

masa hadapan dan mimpi?

p.s. Kau tahu semalam masa kita lunch, aku teringat kenapa aku jatuh cinta sama kamu bila aku tengok kau gembira.

Painted Dream I7I

2011-06-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

If I said I'm all yours, what do you want to do with me?

I don't want your body, I want all of you to be mine.

p.s. This has led to more serious flirting.

[Aku Orang Halus 30]

2011-06-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Kamu mahu tahu sesuatu?

Hati aku rindu kamu

Tapi kenapa tidak kamu

sahut panggilan itu?

p.s. tiada kata-kata mampu aku tulis. I'm lost for words.

Painted Dream l6l

2011-06-08T02:36:00.000-07:00

I'm the type of guy who falls in love rather easily at times. Even the most trivial acts would leave me smitten, gasping for air to breathe.

A glimpse of those whom I fancy, I'd turn reddish in an instant. I too like to be noticed. So let say if I like this particular person I met at a random restaurant, I would try my best to get noticed. I fight to the last drop of my blood. Usually it doesn't take much time as I'm a tad quirky. This applies to my fashion sense and my behaviour hence given me a strong reinforcement to triumph at the battle field of the oblivious. Often, I succeed in making my presence noticed via the art of the eyes. If you get what I mean.

It was proven when I made a fool out of myself for you to notice me.

Nevertheless, as eccentric and quirky I am, nothing beats the extra ordinary phase I go through every time I fall in love with someone. I usually and unconsciously would imagine making love with that person. Often, the result is stupendously mind-blowing. It usually goes like this. The person I fall in love with would be segregated into 2 types.

First is the one that I care so much I just couldn't imagine making love with because I fear of hurting the person. This crass idea sprang out of nowhere. My previous ex-es usually fall into this category.

The second one is a person I can actually see myself making love or having sex with. This however depicts that it is mostly just lust and desire and crushes are the ones that fit into this category. For instances Milla Jovovich and Taylor Lautner. Yeap I've indeed imagined making love with both figures.

Now, you may wonder what category or type does Sayang fall into?
Sayang, miraculously falls in between and yes Sayang is and was the only person that has/had ever resided the place.

p.s. I just really hope that Sayang too will be that only person.

Painted Dream l5l

2011-06-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

I was, at the moment, in my trials of letting go of someone when I met you and fall hard, head over heels.

I know up-front that this feeling was just trivial, I craved for someone to channel my overwhelming affection and you emerged out of the crystal blue sky at the right time. I thought it was the right time. People would call this a rebound.

You were flirting, we were flirting with each other. Sweet talk and trying to be adorably cute and all. The weird thing was that the feeling I harbored for you was nothing usual. It was outlandishly absurd. It's like falling in love for the first time. I giggled and blushed reading your texts. I waited anxiously for you to reply my messages. It was surreal, the feeling. We wished each other good morning and good night, we virtually blew our kisses and I was certain that we were an item. I was hooked, like a fish ceaselessly and effortless lured by the bait.

Good night darling, I want you to be with me when I open my eyes tomorrow morning.

Ok sayang, I promise.

I was beyond content. You could see it in my eyes, they glittered just like diamonds under the shiny sun.

p.s. Do you remember sayang?

Painted Dream I4I

2011-06-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, thanks for coming to the workshop. We appreciate it and hope you had fun.

Oh good for you.

Errmm what do you mean?

Hello, you're texting the wrong number. Ok bye.

Eh I do? this is **** right? Arshad lah nie.

Oh eh sorry hehe hye Arshad :)

If you remember, I said I texted on behalf of my friends to thank all of you for coming and I had to text all of the group members.

Well frankly, I bluffed.

I just needed a reason to text you and I fictitiously created the reason.

It was in the month of Raya and I had a couple of open houses to attend. You, on the other hand, were staying in a hostel which was just a stone throw away from my residential area. My hand phone was snugged in my hand all the time that day as we were texting each other and were getting to poke our noses at each other's business. We were mainly at the stage of getting to know ourselves.

So tengah buat apa nie?

Bosan, tade orang kat umah.

I thought we were trying to be cute and all. How hilarious. My friends were started to having qualms at my quirky and out of ordinary attitudes that day. I was smitten and it read all over my face. I smirked looking at my handphone, hopped in gusto at times and my face was beaming. The feeling was just inexplicable and no words could actually portray it. I, on that day, utterly fell for you.

p.s. You have no idea Sayang, you have not a slightest idea.

[Aku Orang Halus 29]

2011-05-27T00:20:00.000-07:00

Selama 2 tahun aku

berjuang dan menunggu

untuk menjadikan

kau selamanya milik aku

Tapi apabila kau

aku akhirnya miliki

hanya untuk aku lepaskan

kembali

di mana letak perasan

dan hati

sampai sanggup kau

buat aku begini?

p.s. Di hujung hari, kau juga aku cari nanti.

Painted Dream l3l

2011-05-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

We had a little bit of a small talk.

Your group asked for my advice since I was the mentor and you were the group leader. I could see the passion in your eyes. Those piercing glare penetrated my eyes every time we locked gaze. When that happened, it felt like we were the only persons in the hall and nothing else mattered anymore. I was trying hard not to fidget and mumble, or worst act like a fool.

If my heart was transparently visible, it could be vividly seen that it was berserk. Pounding wildly and I was pretty certain there's a slight chance that it might burst out.

Your friend gave me her number as she was the assistant group leader and I was a friend of hers so the thought was, it would be easier and convenient if she contacted me should any thing arouse. I was devastated.

I wanted to have your number so bad.

Errm do you mind if I have yours instead?

Besides you're the group leader so that would be more appropriate

I concocted the lines out of the blue and rather unknowingly. That was so not me. I am a not a go-getter. But when it comes to you, I tend to shove my sanity far away from my mind.

Yes sure

The rest of your friends giggled. I hadn't the slightest idea what was so freaking hilarious. Their eyes were all arrowed at us.

You stood up and came closer to me. I could feel your breath and your smell. Your face was just inches away from mine. Those black and thick eye brows contradicted the complexion of your fair skin. This was rather unfathomable. I had no idea what had gotten into me to make me behaved rather socially bold.

and your name is?
I asked after saving your number in my mobile phone.

Your friends were obviously teasing and snickering at us. I was baffled. Did I do something wrong?

One of your friends remarked,

you can call my friend here sayang.

At that moment, I was fumed with awkwardness and had turned reddish completely. I had no freaking idea how to response.

Oh never mind them, they're being annoying.

you can call me ******

Oh so that's the name, it was an odd name tho, so I thought when I first heard of your name.

I'd love to call you sayang.

Pardon?

Eh nothing, so I call you? or maybe text?

Yeah sure, thanks.

No, thank you!

I murmured.

I jumped gleefully and no words could explain how contented and happy I was. I wasn't on cloud nine, I was higher than just sitting on those fluffy clouds where happy people reside.

p.s. I could remember vividly your expression when they said Sayang.

[Aku Orang Halus 28]

2011-05-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

Ini ada sesuatu
mahu aku beritahu kamu
sayang,

I may not have the most flawless skin in the entire universe,
I may not have the height you prefer,
I can't give you a handphone as a present,
I can't give you any pets as a gift,
I can't make you blushed or smitten every single second,

But,
I have the biggest and sincerest heart to fill you with lots of love and affection,
compared to your previous exes and scandals.
I just want you to ponder on this,
why did all of them left you haplessly
and why am I here, chasing you
looking like a fool?

p.s. You don't have to be that intelligent to answer that. It's because I love you dearly whilst they just desired you.

[Aku Orang Halus 27]

2011-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

So yeah kita sama-sama tahu

dan setuju bila ini berlaku

yang mana kau berat hati untuk layan aku

alasan nya hanya satu

kau sudah ada orang baru

yang akan ganti aku

dan segala perkara yang kita buat bersama

akan kau buat dengan dia

percaya tak cakap aku

bilamana aku fikir begitu?

betul bukan?

jangan kau tipu.

p.s. layan di atas bukan apa yang kamu-kamu fikirkan.

Painted Dream l2l

2011-05-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

You were no where to be seen during the workshop. I was one of the facilitators amongst my friends. It was devastating because frankly, I concocted the lines that I'd be going to utter to you and yes I rehearsed the night before, in front of the mirror, in the bathroom.

-_-

It's just not my luck I guess, oh well

and guess what? you were standing outside of the hall with your friends, as scared as mice, because you were late. I opened the door and greeted your friends instead of you just like an admirable gentleman. I did not greet you tho, deliberately of course, I wouldn't want to make it too obvious that I was crushing hard on you.

You smirked
I was cool, calm and collected

I pretended to pay no heed to you but I constantly aided your friend tho. Hah it's a strategy, devised rather impromptu. You did not notice but I secretively glimpsed at you and was all smitten, bitten by a love bug. When it's time for group work and each of us, the facilitators, was assigned a group as mentors, I rushed to your group which was rather conspicuously written all over my face.

Silly me,
nampak sangat.

p.s. Were did all the rehearsed lines disappear to?

[Aku Orang Halus 26]

2011-05-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

You know when I'm wearing this around my neck, it shows I miss you.

p.s. Happy Mother's Day. It's because of you I have two moms :)

Painted Dream l1l

2011-05-06T04:29:00.000-07:00

I was descending the stairs when my eyes caught your glistening skin, those piercing eyes that when the light hits them, they exude charms and the nerdy, naive look that sometimes appears to be a tad mysterious.

I did not really believe in love at first sight but believe me, I fall in love the very first time I laid my eyes on you. I was hyperventilating, gasping for air yet tried to remain composed. I collected myself to appear cool and calm but god God knew my knees were shaking and I just couldn't take my eyes off of you.

I acted fool tho, in attempt to catch your eyes and in the hope that you noticed my awkward being. I talked so loud, laughed insanely trying to gain your attention. You noticed tho but I had no idea who were you looking at.

That is basically how I started harboring feeling and affection towards you Sayang.

p.s. and the story begins.

[Aku Orang Halus 25]

2011-05-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sayang,

kau tidak tahu,

betapa hancur hati aku,

bila ucapan "I love you",

hanya di balas dengan "tq"

Mengapa kau perlu begitu,

kononnya tak mahu aku rindu,

Tidak pula kau fikir masa awal-awal dulu

bila kau pelan-pelan buat aku

jatuh cinta sama kamu,

Susah betul kamu mahu percaya

akan betapa sayang dan cinta

aku sama kamu

p.s. Aku rindu masa dahulu.

Dear Sayang

2011-04-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

I will always remember the way you hold my hands,

I will always remember the way you laugh,

I will always remember the way you walk,

I will always remember the way you flirt,

I will always remember the way you kiss me,

I will always remember the way you call me your sayang and baby,

I will always remember the way you blink your eyes,

I will always remember the way you secretively hold my hands in public,

I will always remember the way you comfort me,

I will always remember,

should our story ends here.

Ryry and Riri

p.s. This broken heart of mine here is meant for you.

[Aku Orang Halus 24]

2011-04-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

Mahu tahu apa aku rasa
bila kau membahasakan aku dengan hanya nama?
Aku rasa sangat kecewa
mana pergi kasih sayang kita
yang dulu kau berusaha untuk jaga.

p.s. Aku sedih.

[Aku Orang Halus 23]

2011-04-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

Sayang,
apa lagi mahu kamu?
cakap pada aku
biar puas hati kamu

Mengapa ini yang terjadi?
mengapa layanan seperti ini
yang kau beri?

Apa salah aku
pada kamu?
sehingga sebegitu
diri ini kamu benci

Pintaku hanya satu
mari hidupkan
memori-memori lama
saat kita menjadi satu
tiada kamu mahupun aku
yang ada hanya kita

Sayang mana pergi semua janjimu?
mana pergi kata-kata
yang kamu masih perlu aku?

p.s. Berhenti bersikap begini, aku mati.

[Aku Orang Halus 22]

2011-04-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Apa dah jadi dengan kita?
mana hilang sparks dan cahaya?
kita bercakap juga bertemu
tapi dua2 tidak selesa
jangan pura2 atau tipu,
aku tahu.

[Aku Orang Halus 21]

2011-04-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

Katakan saja,
bukannya susah ia,
katakan kau tak mahu aku,
jangan buat aku tunggu,

Katakan saja,
usah bagi alasan,
katakan bukan aku yang kau sayang,
jangan buat aku perasan

Katakan saja,
senang cerita,
aku suka
kau juga bahagia

p.s. alasan2 kau yang langsung tidak masuk akal. Kau ingat aku bodoh?

[Aku Orang Halus 20]

2011-04-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Perkataan sayang itu
untuk kau luahkan
sangat susah,

Bagai emas,
jika kau luah
harus semua datang tadah

Bagai oksigen
jika kau lepas
harus engkau mati lemas

Begitu suci
kerna kau
sangat berhati-hati

Begitu penting
jika tiada
keadaan jadi hening

Aku bukan minta
untuk kau ucap selalu
cukuplah sesekali
biar aku tahu
betapa berharga diri ini.

p.s. Aku sayang kau, mengapa susah mahu kau faham?

[Porcelain]

2011-03-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Aku tahu bila tadi kau curi-curi tengok aku,
dan aku juga buat begitu,
kita masih ada sesuatu,
perasan itu
yang kita pendam,
sembunyi dalam-dalam

kita cuma keras kepala,
bukan mahu mengalah,
tapi mahu cari siapa salah,

p.s. Aku rindu kau.Aku cinta kau.Aku sayang kau.

[Aku Orang Halus 19]

2011-03-27T03:03:00.000-07:00

Hey mari sini,

duduk dekat aku,

aku mahu cerita sesuatu,

4 tahun lalu,

aku pernah jatuh cinta,

dengan seseorang,

aku buta,

aku bahagia,

aku berada di awangan,

kaki tidak jejak tanah,

sampai lah aku tahu dia tipu aku,

curang di belakang aku,

dengan kawan aku juga masa itu,

aku menangis bagai orang gila,

di tepi pondok telefon,

air mata lelaki aku jatuh

ke bumi untuk pertama kali,

2 tahun kemudian,

aku berjaya lupakan si dia,

aku bakar semua memori aku dan dia,

sepanjang itu,

aku tidak lagi percaya cinta,

ye ada masa aku tersuka

seorang dua,

tapi mereka semua sama,

bukan rasa bahagia

tapi rasa loser,

sehingga la aku jumpa kau,

bukan secara sengaja,

aku cuba untuk buat2 biasa,

tapi akhirnya num handphone kau aku minta,

aku jadi berani,

apa orang kata aku tak ambil peduli,

yang penting diri kau aku mahu kenali,

Aku hanya mahu kau tahu,

2 tahun aku tunggu kau,

lepas kau tinggalkan aku,

kerana kawan-kawan kau,

tapi masih ingat hujung tahun lepas?

bulan november?

bila kau cari aku?

dan mahu aku?

semua janji2 kau pada aku?

mana pergi semua itu?

sekarang,

kau buat apa yang kau buat padaku setahun lepas,

kau pentingkan kawan2 kau,

Hati aku kau bawa pergi,

hati aku kau bawa lari,

bila aku minta pulang,

aku kau caci,

kata aku dengki,

Aku nekad,

ini untuk yang terakhir kali,

kau buat aku begini,

selepas ini jika kau masih mahu aku,

aku mahu kau sembah bumi,

aku mahu kau kutip saki baki

hati aku yang kau pijak sampai

pecah,

p.s. Aku tak pernah rasa sebodoh ini.

[Aku Orang Halus 18]

2011-03-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

Ini adalah ucapan selamat tinggal,
dari aku buat kau,

sayang,
aku penat,
tidak pernah tertanggung akan penat ini,
tidak pernah tertanggung akan lelah ini,

Kau mahu tahu realiti?
aku ada untuk kau
setiap masa,
setiap saat,
setiap hari,

Tapi kau biar aku sendiri,
menyepi,
bersendiri,
kau buang hati ini,
jauh-jauh dari diri kau,

aku penat,
ini ucapan selamat tinggal,
dari aku buat kau,
kalau kau masih mahu aku,
masih ada hati
akan manusia hina ini,
aku mahu kau berusaha,
seperti mana aku berusaha untuk cinta kau,

p.s. I mean this.

[Aku Orang Halus 17]

2011-03-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Tahniah,
Sekali lagi kau berjaya buat aku rasa macam loser,
Aku cuba untuk jernihkan keadaan,
sebab kau yang minta,
kau yang mahu,
jadi macam dulu-dulu,
bahagia selalu,

Tapi malam ini kau buat lagi sekali,
perangai seolah-olah semua masalah dunia kat bahu kau,
kau yang buat aku rasa sedih,
tapi kau berjaya juga buat aku rasa bersalah,
Tahniah sayang,
tak sia2 aku berada di sisi kau selama ni,
lepas itu kau buang aku begitu saja.

p.s. Aku harap kau sedar yang aku juga terluka, bukan kau seorang saja.

[Aku Orang Halus 16]

2011-03-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously,
I feel like I'm the only one who's trying to mend things,
to put things back to where they were,
to try not to push you into the forlorn pit of sadness,
what are you doing?
you keep making the fault obvious as if it's not conspicuous enough that we both are to blame,
but no,
you said you're not strong to endure this,

p.s. Things will get back to where they were if you show some effort.

[Aku Orang Halus 15]

2011-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

Mari sini,
dekat dengan aku,
jangan lupa tutup lampu,

Mari sini,
dekat dengan aku,
tutup mata kamu,
tarik nafas dalam-dalam,
dengar betul-betul,
ada kau dengar sesuatu?
ada kau dengar benda pecah?
ada kau dengar benda retak?
bukan cermin tingkap,
bukan juga cawan di dapur,
dengar betul-betul,

Ye sayang,
itu bunyi hati aku,
cepisan hati aku yang kau retakkan,
yang semalam aku cuba letak gam,
biar jadi satu kembali,
tapi malam ini kau retakkan ia kembali,
kau pecahkan ia kembali,
mana hati kau?
sering buat aku begini?

p.s. Baru sahaja aku gembira seperti dunia aku punya semalam,

[Aku Orang Halus 14]

2011-03-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Kau kata baik lupakan semua ini,
Aku cakap ikut suka kau,
aku penat dah berbunyi,

Kau kata tolong faham diri kau,
aku cakap aku cuba,
tapi kau tak bagi,

Kau kata kau menangis,
sedih,
aku cakap tangis kau saja yang kau kira?
tangis aku bagaimana?

Kau kata kau tahu aku sayang kau,
kau tahu aku cinta kau,
aku cakap kalau tahu saja buat apa?
bukannaya kau mahu buat aku rasa yang sama
macam apa yang kau rasa,

Kau kata kau seorang yang mudah lupa,
abaikan semua yang berlaku,
mari jadi macam dulu-dulu,
bahagia,
aku cakap ye aku seorang pemaaf,
tapi bukan seorang yang lupa sesuatu dengan begitu sahaja,

p.s. kita serupa tapi berbeza.

[Shadows]

2011-03-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

I switched off the gloomy and insipid light of the room,
you are there, always there on the bed,
making yourself comfortable,
getting ready,

I tip-toed,
carefully managing my strut,
trying not to disturb the others,
your family,
it's dark and I can't see your face,
but i can feel your presence,
your smell,
your heart pounding,
but my heart is pouncing wildly,

You held out one of your arms,
trying to guide me,
I reach for your hand,
we touch,
I'm electrocuted,
The bed is making a sound,
a weird sound,
the screws are all loose,

We giggle to the sound of the bed,
I can feel you now,
topless, like you always do,
you sit,
I sit, on your lap,
the mattress sunk in,
your bottom sunk in,

I can feel the coldness of your body,
It's chilly,
tonight is,
I wrap my legs around your waist,
I can feel your breath now,
My heart pounces wilder,
and rather beastly,

I wrap my arms around your neck,
I play with your hair,
you fidget,
uncomfortably,
you take off my shirt,
and now we're both topless,
embracing,
drown in the thickness of the night,

I navigate my hand from the tip of your hair,
to all over your body,
to your face,
your nose,
your eyes,
your lips,
luscious and juicy,
I kiss you on the nose,
you smile,
I know you're smiling even if I can't see,

You're getting hard,
The way you breathe it's not the same,
you take deep breath,
and exhale it slowly,
Closer,
I get to your ears,
I lick it slowly,
you squirm,
I know baby,
it's your g-spot,
apart form your nipples,

I bite your lower lip,
you bite mine,
your tongue reach mine,
we lip-lock,
I have always enjoyed kissing,
but you don't,
It's not your forte,
I push you down to the bed,
you laugh,
and make that grrr sound,

I can feel that yours is stiffen,
ready to see the world,
you keep on playing with it,
you're moving it,
purposely,
I'm still on top of you,
how would I not notice?
I lay my tongue on your nipples,
I know you like that feeling,
you're squirming even louder,
you push my head down,
what an impatient lad you are my dear,

I slowly take your boxer off,
that thing, I can feel it now,
get ready baby,
It's going to be a tough ride,

You abruptly wake up from your dream,
and check whether you wet yourself,
yeah you did,
a handful,
what a waste,

p.s. From the point of view of someone else, you decide.

[Aku Orang Halus 13]

2011-03-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

Aku rasa kau harus tahu sesuatu,

Kau dadah aku,

Kau buat aku addicted,

Kau hampir bunuh aku,

p.s. Dadah membahayakan kesihatan.

[Aku Orang Halus 12]

2011-03-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

Sunyi dan sepi,
tiada beza,
sama saja definisi.

Itulah hidup aku,
selepas apa yang berlaku,

Terngiang-ngiang di telinga
akan hilaimu,
akan suara manjamu,
kemana sudah pergi semua itu?

Aku rindu kamu,
tolonglah jangan berdiam diri,
katakan sesuatu,

p.s.Aku harap kau baca ini supaya kau tahu akan derita melepaskan mu.

[Aku Orang Halus 11]

2011-03-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

If only I could turn back the hands of time,

I would,

Because I want to go to the first time I saw your face,

almost 2 years back,

I crave for the inexplicable feeling,

But I would not chase you,

or did what have I done that make us where we were yesterday,
because today, we made, I made decision to walk alone,

If only I could turn back the hands of mine,
I would,
I would,
The very moment and feeling I dwell when I saw your face,
the impromptu nerve I got when I decided to ask for your hp's number,
the only person that I was able to brazen out and make myself noticeable to you,
I dread the moment.

If only I could turn back the hands of time,
I would,
so that now I don't hurt myself for doing this for you,
for breaking up,
for being such a coward,
for being so insecure,
for being a paranoid,
for being doubtful,
for being hollow,
and for ending a chapter of a love story between us,
and for daftly letting you go.

p.s. Menangis sampai keluar darah sekalipun, takkan masa dapat di ubah.

[Aku Orang Halus 10]

2011-03-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Jika ini adalah penamat,

titik noktah untuk semuanya,

aku hanya redha,

walaupun hati meronta-ronta memberontak,

Aku sayang kamu,

Macam mana lagi harus aku katakan,

Bagaimana lagi mahu aku buktikan,

aku hanya ragu,

terhadap cinta dan sayangmu pada aku,

maafkan aku,

aku terlalu sayang akan kamu,

p.s. I dont want to part :'(

[Aku Orang Halus 9]

2011-03-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of guy who falls in love very easily at times.
and when that happens, I fall head over heels.
My world is turned upside down.
Even the slightest act would leave me smitten.

Love to me equals to sacrifice.
I would prefer to see myself being hurt rather than my loved ones.
It would be a gallant,inexplicable, feeling to listen to their laughters, their jovial faces and their gleeful feelings.
My world is created when my beloved ones are on cloud nine, munching the fluffy cloud and jumping in gusto.
So yeah, I'm a sore loser in love.
You can call me that,
I don't mind.

p.s. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

[Aku Orang Halus 8]

2011-03-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Kering sudah air mata aku,
Kalau hendak di kira, mahu selautan sudah habis aku titiskan,
Ye ini hyperbole,
tapi ini yang sebetulnya,
Minggu ini saja setiap malam aku meraung,
Bantal pun sudah lembik di hidang air mata tiap-tiap malam,
Selimut usah kau tanya,
mahu saja aku lempar ke luar balkoni,
bersama perasaan yang tidak enak ini,
yang perlahan-lahan memakan diri,

p.s. Siapa mahu hati aku, silakan ambil, aku tidak mahu.

[Aku Orang Halus 7]

2011-03-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sometime, I do wish we are strangers to each other.
We are now don't we?

p.s. Strange things happen to strangers.

[Aku Orang Halus 6]

2011-03-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Kasih,
mengapa begini harus berakhir?
mengapa begini jadinya takdir?

Kasih,
Aku sedih,
Rasa ini tidak tertanggung,
terlalu besar beban untuk aku tanggung,

Kasih,
Aku tidak mahu ini berlaku,
Jangan tinggalkan aku,

Kasih,
Cerita kita baru bermula,
Mengapa harus terhenti ia?

Kasih,
Katakan kau cinta aku,
Buktikan kau sayang aku,

Kasih,
Jangan kau bagi aku peluang untuk lari,
Jangan kau bagi aku alasan untuk pergi,

Kasih,
Peluk aku,
Cium aku,
Aku hanya mahu kamu,
Rasa ini terlalu abstrak,
tidak dapat aku gambarkan dengan kata-kata,

Kasih,
Aku hanya mahu kamu,
Percayalah,
jadi kejarlah aku,
jadikan aku milikmu,
aku sudah penat berjuang,
aku sudah penat mengharap,
Kalau kau tidak mahu aku,
abaikan,
Aku bahagia melihat kamu bahagia,
Aku sudah biasa dengan semua ini,
Kau terlalu sempurna untuk aku berada di sisi,
Jika ini ucapan selamat tinggal,
aku bahagia di beri peluang berkongsi hati,

Kasih,
dengarlah rintihan ini,
cepatlah kau sedar hanya kau aku ingini.

p.s. Arguments and misunderstandings, where do they lead us to?

[Aku Orang Halus 5]

2011-03-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

Now now dear heart,
You have to learn to accept things.

Now now dear heart,
Not all things are meant to be together,

Now now dear heart,
calm down and throw away this unease feeling,

Now now dear heart,
you can't afford to be forlorn all the time don't you?

Now now dear heart,
pity me,
i can't bear losing you to someone who has no idea how to take care of you.

Now now dear heart,
Me and you, we're intertwined.

p.s. dear you, I gave you my heart but what did I get in return? Heartache.

[Aku Orang Halus 4]

2011-03-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

Nah,
ambil hati aku,

Nah,
lemparkannya ke dinding kasi pecah,

Nah,
buangkannya ke lantai untuk pijak,

Nah,
letakkannya dalam bekas buat perhiasan,

After all, it means nothing to you.

p.s. I hate that I love you. Aku benci.

[Facade]

2011-03-09T07:19:00.000-08:00

I woke up,

every morning,

put on my facade,

smile,

mingle,

eat,

laugh,

ponder,

attend classes,

laugh,

blush,

flirt,

eat,

angry,

emote,

wander,

wonder,

go home,

put off my facade,

sleep.

Wake up the next morning and the routine starts all over again.

p.s.everything has its limit.

[Aku Orang Halus 3]

2011-03-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Semua mahu mengaku seni,

Semua benda mahu di puji,

Oh aku orang seni,

Jiwaku halus,

Tiada yang memahami,

Kamu apa tahu?

Hanya duduk bersendiri,

Melayan emosi,

Semua mahu berubah,

Semua harus di ubah,

Itu tidak boleh,

Ini tidak boleh,

Jiwaku suci,

Jiwaku putih,

Tapi,

Siapa kamu mahu tipu?

Dia tahu siapa kamu,

Berubah itu boleh,

Tapi, ke sini kamu toleh,

Untuk siapa,

Kalau bukan untuk Dia,

Sia-sia namanya,

Semua tidak mengaku hipokrit,

Aku lurus, aku naif, aku baik,

Di depan kamu lain,

Di belakang kamu lain,

Itu lumrah,

Jangan jadi baik,

Kalau pujian yang kamu pinta,

Jangan jadi jahat,

Kalau tak tahu apa bendanya,

Teorinya mudah sahaja,

Seni, berubah dan hipokrit,

Itu semuanya kita,

Ya kita,

Aku, kamu, mereka, juga dia,

Oleh itu,

Senang sahaja ceritanya,

Hanya satu teori,

Jadilah diri sendiri

p.s. Sarcasm untuk mereka2 yang tidak sedar diri. Nah cermin!

[Aku Orang Halus 2]

2011-03-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

Duduk,
seorang diri,
melayan emosi,
memerhati,
bertemankan
pena merah serta diari,

sesekali mengigit jari,
dan juga bersin,
tiada reaksi atau emosi,
jikalau beginilah
hari-hari,

aku rela mati,
kerana hidup ini tiada signifikasi
dan erti.

p.s love me to the extreme.

[Aku Orang Halus]

2011-02-26T02:49:00.000-08:00

Apa erti aku?

Hey aku tanya kamu,
Apa erti aku?
Siapa aku padamu?
Jangan kau cuba mahu menipu!
Aku bukan bodoh!

Apa erti aku?

Hey sila jawab pertanyaan aku!
Kau bukannya bisu,
Jangan kau pura-pura tidak tahu,
Berlagak dungu,
Aku bukan bodoh!

Apa erti aku?

Hey lupakan, aku tidak mahu tahu,
Kerna hati ini juga yang akan rasa pilu,
Ye, aku bodoh,
Kerna mmbenarkan kau meracun hatiku dengan cintamu,

Apa erti aku?
Jangan kau jawab soalan itu,
Aku tidak mahu tahu.

p.s. written in Tasik Shah Alam Section 2. I was devastated for a fact that my initial plan to surprise the one I love backfired. I was the one who's surprised.

What have I become?

2011-01-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

A happier person that is.

and I intent to be in that state as long as I can.
Thank you.

p.s. The reason is simply you.

[2011]

2011-01-03T05:19:00.000-08:00

It's new year and I received a present.
Mind you I have never received a very frank present from somebody that I really love.
It was a small box of Tiramisu Milk Chocolate with a cute little teddy bear attached to it.
Teddy Bear, one thing that I crave for since forever.
Thank you, you.
I've never felt this way before.
Happy New Year,
I love you.

p.s. You tahu I sayang you kan? -Dan dia akan angguk kepala tanda setuju and kiss me on my cheek.

[Hey Ho Let's Go]

2010-11-30T20:36:00.000-08:00

So I popped the question, finally and out of the blue.

Hey Boo, what are we?

We are serious friends, sorta scandals who love each other unconditionally.

Oh well I can live with that, better than nothing.

p.s. Oh life!

[Critical]

2010-11-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

This is critical,
I'm feeling helpless,
So hysterical,
and this can't be healthy,
I can't eat or sleep when you're not with me,
You're the air I breathe,
This is critical,
So stuck on you.

Nick J, Critical.

p.s. I dread when it's time for me to back off and walk away.

[Ignorance is]

2010-11-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

A bliss for you.

A torture for me.

The 1st time ever I had to swallow my own words. Digest my own spits. It's like I'm spitting my words into the air and guess what, it falls back to me, right in the middle of the face. However, I believe what is happening between us is more than just that.And yes you, I'm not certain of the future. I know your situation is getting worst every single day but please let me be by your side. Let me carry some of your unbearable burdens. You know I'm always here, I'm here for you. Always is and always will.

p.s. I love you, I do.

[Deadly Game]

2010-11-07T04:43:00.000-08:00

The last thing I want to have or experience right now is having my heart broken once again.

I have not the slightest idea of why love and me have a very very bad rapport. We don't really mix and blend together. It's like we both are the two magnetic fields that can never ever be in range of close proximity. Or like cats and dogs in which you can't put them in the same room, they'll murder each other.

So when I thought I was really strong enough and very composed when dealing with this essential matter, my prediction falls flat. I faltered to temptations. Temptations that I know will provide me with another heartache. I think if someone can die of a heartache, I'll be long gone.

This heart, or what's left of this so called heart is in jeopardy again. It has dawned on me that all my hard work of putting and glue-ing back the bits and pieces of my heart is apparently futile because I know the conspicuous consequences in this game I accidentally participated.

Rest assured when I say it's deadly, it really is.

p.s. Been wondering why on earth did the westerners or whoever created Cupid illustrated him to be a boy. A freaking boy who, I'm pretty certain that looking at the his depiction possesses the maturity of a boy, is given arrows to shoot people to be in love. He's a boy, he can simply miss his aims!

[My Dark Side]

2010-11-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have built a strong and firm relationship with my dark side.
The evil me is whispering his sweet engaging promises that are very very inviting.

I have an eccentric wish-list.
Things that I want to achieve in my life.
These things are not just the uplifting, riveting and motivating wishes that I want to accomplish,
but the list also consists of audacious and unpredictable things that I want to do or try.

I'm afraid,
fear of the satisfactory feeling I dwell in after I have crossed some of the list.
It tasted ferociously good and like I mentioned earlier, very very very inviting and undeniably alluring.

I used to be a bad boy during my darkest era but right now, what I'm having is way darker than my darkest era.

p.s. Unpredictable sometimes can be predicted.

[Simplicity]

2010-11-02T02:38:00.000-07:00

Yes you heard me (I always pretend I'm talking to someone whenever I penned my entry, hence the word heard)

I'm trying to simplify my life. Simplify my emotions and feelings. Simplify my thoughts and perceptions. Simplify everything.

I'm leading a simple life.I, if possible, will try to avoid the word complicated.As complicated as it sounds, it gives a negative connotation, a dark vibe and ambiance to me. The finest and legit illustration of the word would be me trying to disassemble a bomb or a tight knot even then strongest person on earth will fail and falter.It's that bad.

I'm delusional and posses an immerse capacity to imagining things, absurd and somewhat crass, out of ordinary things.My mind, this medula oblongata I have buried in my head works in a mysterious ways. I tried to decode and decipher its structure and blue print once but it was futile, it has always in vain.

For that reason, I'll try to follow my guts more. This doesn't make sense does it? But What the heck, I just need to write something.

As of speaking or writing, whichever you prefer, I have this thing lingering my mind. A scenario, a scene, a play that I think will fascinate certain people. But the thing is, I am no story teller. In any conversation, you'll notice I'm eating my words. Fumbling and mumbling, even in a simple conversation or inquiry of "Can I have a glass of orange juice" will sound like this "Can I *somethingJuicesomething* please? Fair enough, speech impairment is something you want to mess with or mess around.

Speaking of leading a simple life, I sometime feel that I have the urge to be unpredictable. Even I myself can even predict what I will do or trying to do. How cool is that? This is similar to not using my mysterious mind. Like I said, I follow my guts. Now this make sense isn't it?

I think people are all hypocrites. Yes they are. Well you may disagree but this is just a personal opinion. 'Personal' to me reads = If you disagree, I don't bother to pay any heed. So yes, we are all hypocrites, we hide our true face behind those fancy facades we put on for different people.

I'm in the midst of soul searching. You know what soul searching is, I don't have to elaborate. If you don't, go figure.

I'm giving up on certain someone. Why? well because I'm freaking tired and worn out by all those superfluous things that keep on invading me. Why bother fighting over someone whom don't give a shit about you? Guess what, with or without you, I'll live anyway. I may sound bitter but my dear bitter is the new taste of sugar, again that's my personal opinion.

I like doing random stuffs because I despise routines. I've been berserk-ly random these past few days and I intend to keep and stay random for a long time. Thus, if you see me hanging upside down in some spider web at Taman Tasik, kindly ignore me, unless I scream for help.

I've been learning the SUJU's Bonamana dance which I'm thinking to record. Can't wait to watch how silly I'll be. Word of advice, be silly sometimes, you'll place the world in an equilibrium.

So this has been a long post. And kinda a crappy one too. Talk about being simple eh? Haha

But this is random, so yeah whatever.

P.s. Laptop is broken.I don't know what to do.

P.s.s. Have I mentioned I did a commercial for a TV series that's going to be shown in Malaysia entitled The Walking Dead? No? So here you go, remember to tune in to Astro next week for the commercial, I played a Zombie. Still stoked!

[Dear Diary#18]

2010-10-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

How would you live your life is you were granted second chance?

p.s. My prayers are on you my friend.

[Call Me Weirdo#9]

2010-10-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have forgotten how to sleep properly.

Again.

p.s.It's the time of the season.

[Sounds]

2010-10-24T02:41:00.000-07:00

I'm currently high on this song.

Freaking addictive and it makes you wanna shake it shake it.

p.s. Let's turn off the light and get nasty!

[Love and Lust]

2010-10-20T04:47:00.000-07:00

It’s simple because this is not a rocket science.

What is love?

Love is the feeling when you care about someone and when you are willing to do anything to make him/her happy. Love is when you experience the uneasiness, like a family of butterflies keeps hovering in your tummy and you are adamant that when you poop, butterflies will fly gleefully from your arse. Love is when your knees suddenly fail to function properly whenever your love one emerges out of the blue. Love is when you touch your lover’s hands, you feel electrocuted. Love is when you make faces because he/she ignores you, even for a minute. Love is when you feel your other half’s presence just by shutting your eyes to sleep. Love is a feeling of admiration, a sense of togetherness, a craving to be belonged to somebody. Love is when you’d be smitten even by the littlest act done by your lover. Love is when you want to protect your love one from any danger. Love is the gallant feeling when you look at your lover’s face and how his/her smile just made your day. Love is when you are willing to stay up late at night just to make sure he/she is online. Love is the feeling of uncertainty of yourself, whether you are good or perfect enough for your other half. Love is seeing the imperfections of your lover and thought he/she couldn’t be any perfect. Love is when you see your lover’s message and you smile sheepishly to yourself. Love is when you want to impress your love one and you feel upset because you didn’t meet his/her expectation. Love is when you’re willing to be hurt rather than seeing your love one being hurt. Love is when you look at the sky and all you smile and you don’t have any idea why. Love is just love and the list goes on and on.

On the other hand,

What is lust?

lust is just solely sex. You want to pounce on your partner aggressively you enjoy every bits of him/her whining and asking for more. Lust is when you meet someone and you’ll end up waking up on his/her bed the morning after. Lust is when your smile because your partner send you message saying I miss your cock or your pussy. Lust is just lust.

Sexual intercourse is just a bonus, a supplement, a spice in the relationship you’re having with your other half.

Remember when someone says he/she loves you, it doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you, It can mean otherwise but that would happen in some rare occasions but I bet currently speaking, it’s not considered being ‘rare’ anymore.

Losing virginity and proving that you have lost your purity is a trending topic nowadays, people are proud to be one.

And when you are having sex with someone, it doesn’t mean he/or she loves you. They do, they just love the taste of your penis or your vagina or your arse.

p.s. Just saying

[Life]

2010-10-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

Life's been tremendously great for the past few weeks.
Been travelling a lot and enjoying myself to the limit.

The first trip was Bagan Lalang and Sepang Gold Coast Golden Palm Trees . We went there solely for one mission. To fly kites and it was accomplished. Our kite (share it with Moja) was flying high with its gay-ish look. Seriously the colours are really upholding and promoting gay pride.

Yes, it's THIS gay.

The second destination was Broga Hills. It was phenomenal. The hike to reach the 1st peak was about 1 hour.That was the 1st stop, don't get me started on the journey coming from Shah Alam. We started the trip at ungodly wee hour in the morning. The hike was inexplicably adventurous. The route to reach the 1st steep was so goddamn steep one of my friends had to halt and rest there because he was afraid of the height, also due to him wearing his Crocs which was very slippery. Put that misery aside, the vistas were breath-taking. The breeze was very chilly too you want to lay down on the lanky grass regardless of them being grass, which of course itchy! DUH. We did proceed to the 2nd peak but halted because my friends were exhausted. I was jumping and running in gusto like a dog, eh no no, more like a cute child. Here are some of the pictures,

The 3rd trip was Tiara Beach Resort, Port Dickson. Some of my 'teachers' friends invited me to tag along.I saw opportunity of meeting my little vixen and yes I agreed, just to be enlightened that my little vixen wasn't joining.It was a bummer, a real huge bummer yet I comforted myself that I'll be having the grandest fun there. It turned out to be a really enjoyable one. We laughed until our tummy hurts and I got the chance to find some solace at the resort. Went to PD and built a huge sand castle, no scratch that, it's an enormous sand mansion. After that, we sang our lung out by the beach, it was aesthetic.The guys were crazy, yelling and singing tune-less songs. At the resort, we sat by the pool and enjoying the picturesque view of the crystal-clear but full-of-chlorine water. I slept on the couch under the shady coconut tree by the pool and pretended I was somewhere over the seas.It was a gallant moment.

Oh next stop is Paramore bebeh! I'm still indecisive about colouring my hair red. Maybe I'll opt for a softer colour. Will post the pictures later.

p.s. Good times are when you're with family and friends doing things that you like

[Whispered Words]

2010-10-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

When I see you happy,
I am beyond content,

When I see you forlorn,
I really want to hold your hands and give you a cuddle,

When I see those sad eyes,
I am heartbroken,

Remember every time I pretend I don't see you,
I am afraid actually,
Fear of those feelings to come knocking my mind,
Fear of those feelings to come eat my heart,

It doesn't mean I ignore you because I loathe you,
I loathe myself for for being weak,

p.s. The Driveway

[PhotoEntry:Ole Ole Bali and Sepang Gold Coast]

2010-10-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

p.s. More to come. Great times, great time :D

[Dear Diary #17]

2010-10-09T02:29:00.000-07:00

Which one would you prefer?
The States or The Kingdom?
I really want to pursue my Master abroad
Am thinking to enrol in two or more Masters.
I just need to escape,
Far away,
Finding my own new solace,
or a sojourn.

p.s. Craving.

[Dear Diary#16]

2010-10-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

My little sweet hearbreaker,

I'm heartless at the moment because my heart has been stolen by this cute little vixen.

I freaking miss her already.

p.s. Happy moments.

[Call Me Weirdo#8]

2010-10-01T01:37:00.000-07:00

Ann Ward

6'2''

Was dubbed by some people who called her Giant.

Photographed aesthetically and awkwardly astounding.

I'm kinda awkward myself which explains the interest.

Kayla Ferrel

Lesbian, a hot one.

Constantly called queer by some people.

Undoubtedly beautiful and she has red hair.

I have fetish over people with red hair.

p.s. Beauty comes from all shapes and forms.

[Dear Diary#15]

2010-09-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Oh Suck it up will you!

Don't ever try to talk to me about being heartbroken, you don't even fucking know the meaning of the word.

Puh-lease!

p.s. some people are just freaking and fucking oblivious! I know cause I sometimes pretend to be one.

[Their 1st impression#4]

2010-09-29T04:13:00.000-07:00

-you like my mother when talk and talking.
-young man teach me in first time and until now you was old. Hahahaha!
-you likes a model and 'bergaya'
-when you talk, i was imagine...i want to talk like you..hi3

Thank you Sir sbb sudi mengajar kami...

p.s. Unabridged

[Their 1st impression#3]

2010-09-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

First impression i look at you..you so snobbish for the first time..but after that..you look so different..you so humble..it can make me mostly to study..i like your personality.Actually, it's give me to change my personality..even you give me many homework..HEHEHE..wherever, you can change myself to be a smart and clever person..TQ

p.s. Unabridged.

p.s.s. I saw this boy transformed from a very reserved, quite and shy soul during the first class to an outspoken person by the time I finished my practicum.

[Their 1st impression#2]

2010-09-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

1) 1st impression towards you
-> u look like poyo
->when u teach, u spoken so quickly until I can't understand.
->But u are the best teacher
->1st time I looked at you, you are 'berlagak' and I feel like to kill u.
->u like to mock
->But everything I say was wrong.
        * u are chicky person
        * Happening
* Sporting
        * Cuties
->our realtionship not like student and teacher but we like a brother
->i happy to know u.

p.s. Unabriged

[Their 1st impression#1]

2010-09-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

Sir,
1st time I saw you, I think you were serious, arrogant, cruel, bad and many things that I don't know how to interprate it. But after I know you, actually you are good, kind hearted, caring, understanding, loving and you are like my brother.
Forgive me Sir if I was done many mistakes.I will remember u and miss your teache..you are the best ticher!

p.s. unabriged.